Brocklesnitch

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Roseanne Barr None

This is a reading i did at the recent (and excellent) National Young Writers' Festival in Newcastle (yes i am very young thank you for wondering). I was petrified, having avoided doing public speaking for a very long time due to my highly irrational fear, and it was great to get the opportunity to write and read this in front of a very generous and supportive crowd, alongside some writers i am a fan of. The event was called 'My Favourite is Problematic'.

 

Hi everyone. My name is Rebecca, aka Brocklesnitch, aka someone who writes dumb jokes on a computer and never goes in front of crowds, aka the person with an internal monologue that is currently just a high-pitched scream of terror.  The terror first started when I was thinking about what topic to discuss today, and I realized that it would be very difficult, not only because my taste in everything is so amazing, but also because I believe if we search deeply enough, we will be able to find everyone and everything problematic in some way. Even Beyonce.  But I persevered, and narrowed it down until I found the perfect candidate. The woman I’m here to talk about today, because as a misandrist I only ever want to talk about women, is someone who I grew up with, whose work helped me become the person I am today, and whom I wish had become Amish and stopped using computers a few years ago. That person is..Roseanne Barr.

Obviously Roseanne’s greatest and most successful contribution, and the one that I love most deeply, is the TV show Roseanne. As you can see, I loved it so much that I’ve dedicated my life to obtaining the same body shape and dress sense as Dan Conner, and it was a LOT of work. Roseanne is like a family member who I both love and hate, but who I cannot ditch entirely because she’s been around my whole life and brought me a lot of joy. But she’s also someone with whom I disagree with strongly on some issues. It’s kind of like when your aunt who gives good hugs but smells like rum and vicks vapor rub updates her Facebook status every single December that this year is the year the government is definitely going to force everyone to start saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas because of Islam.

But there are many reasons why Roseanne Barr and her show are important to me. I grew up with three brothers, in regional Queensland. My mum was and still is a cleaner, my dad was and still is a butcher. One of my brothers left midway through the season and was replaced with a guy who looked nothing like him. So, pretty similar. Against trend at the time, Roseanne told a story of blue collar workers struggling to find stable employment, arguments over paying the bills, stories of the fight to hand your children a better life. But it also gave permission for these kinds of families to have a sense of humour about it all, as you have to. As mine did. To find a way to laugh when you have to get out of bed at 5:30 to push start your dad’s shitty car so he can get to work. It told us it was okay and healthy for parents to make fun of their children, as mine did and still do, every chance they get. 

My mum, for example, loves to tell everyone about the 2001 incident when I fainted naked at the bottom of the stairs after stubbing my toe really hard while in the shower. Coincidentally, that is also my sexiest story. Roseanne brought me the amazing Darlene, who looking back now, I realise I was in love with, and who was the reason I didn’t say even one sentence that wasn’t sarcastic for the years 1997-1999. And it REALLY got me HEAPS of friends. Barr fought really hard to force her network to show an episode where she is kissed by a woman, where she actually SAYS the word lesbian (shock horror), where people’s uncomfortable feelings about homosexuals were confronted (years before I made everyone uncomfortable at parties by being so homosexual). As a young queer person, even HEARING these conversations on a show I loved, with characters I loved, was just mind blowing and SO reassuring. It meant I was real, there were others like me, and I would be okay. And I pretty much am, unless you ask Cory Bernardi.

Roseanne also showed me that you could be a strong, funny, fat woman, and be loved. That there would be a man (or hopefully a woman in my case) who would want to date you and EVEN have sex with you. And so far it’s actually worked out okay. And yet, still to this day there are only a handful of fat women on television. And she was an unapologetic fat woman, who didn’t hide away. She drew attention to it, she made jokes about it, but she didn’t apologise for being in her body. Roseanne also showed me that you could be a hard-arse feminist and take on the boys, and win.  You could do what you want. These are all qualities that I think I have, or I hope to have one day when I am a grown up. And she helped establish them in me.

But sadly however, this isn’t the Roseanne No Issues Perfection Hour. It is alleged that she was a living human nightmare on the set of Roseanne. There are stories of her throwing tantrums and walking off stage and threatening to quit if her demands weren’t met (just like me at this festival). The set was reportedly the worst to work on in Hollywood, with Roseanne firing and hiring huge amounts of writers, and brutally, referring to them as numbers instead of their names. That is..pretty problematic. But the revolving door system did give opportunities to people like Joss Whedon, who went on to create Buffy (another very important show to me, in lesbian ways especially). But then on the OTHER side of that Gwyneth Paltrow Sliding Doors scenario, Roseanne was also the first stop of Chuck Lorre, who went on to create Two and a Half Men.

Speaking of “alleged” comedy, as someone who loves comedy more than anything, even tiny puppies with puppy breath, it is just about impossible to find a funny person with a large body of work who hasn’t at some point made a joke or said a satirical comment that could be taken out of context and be held up as problematic.  But luckily, for the purposes of literally today only, social media and access to funny people’s NON-JOKE opinions, like Roseanne’s, was invented. Some of you might know that I love twitter, and I spend a lot of time sending terrible puns out into the universe. I love having access to famous people, like AT-Beyonce and AT-puppy breath. I don’t actually know if the latter is a real twitter, but it should be. However, in recent times I have wished upon a star, or the stars management teams, that celebrities I specifically love give up twitter forever, or at least stop using it to expose me to their terrible personal opinions.

Unfortunately Roseanne is one of these stars. In 2012 she become an enemy of the transgender community when she was running for president, which I guess is a thing? That happened? She used twitter to attack supporters of a bill that prohibits discrimination against transgender people in employment, housing and public places. Conservatives and trans-exclusionary feminists harshly nicknamed it the ‘bathroom bill’ because, for example, a trans woman would be allowed to use a women’s bathroom, and apparently that would be the end of the world. I guess none of them saw Ally McBeal. Since then, Roseanne has also retweeted transphobic memes and tweets, and has generally been really disappointingly uncool about it all. There are a lot of things that happen on the internet that disappoint me, including every time I log into my internet banking and see the balance, but this was a big one.

So how to reconcile all of these different facets of people who are important to us within our tiny human brains? In this case, I think I have actually gotten pretty lucky, because Roseanne isn’t really making must-see TV anymore, even though yes I absolutely think she should be on True Detective Season Two, but I am not forced to make boycott (or girlcott) decisions.  But I think it is important to keep in mind that people change, and it’s not always going to be for the better. I’m sure even Beyonce will change one day, probably in that she’ll sprout angel wings and fly us all to heaven. But most people are flawed. Every single one of us will have an opinion or stance that someone else will find problematic. For example, my only flaw is that one of my favourite songs is Jennifer Love Hewitt’s ‘How Do I Deal’ from the soundtrack of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.

 But the fact that everyone is flawed is not an excuse, and I think it’s really important not to defend something or someone you love or once loved, when they have done something that hurts other people. It’s important not to explain it away, or try to justify it. It’s important to call them out on their bullshit. Roseanne’s transphobia is, in my opinion, indefensible. But I think that I can watch repeats of a TV show from 20 years ago, that at the time was ground breaking, and progressive, and tolerant, and so important to me, without it meaning that I advocate what she has become, or support her now. However, unless there are apologies and retribution made, and the trans community accepts her, I think she deserves to be punished further. This could be anything from having to guest star on Two and a Half Men for free, or to watch an episode of Two and a Half Men, but most likely it will be the cruelest ultimate punishment of all:

 

I will never refollow her on twitter.

Excuse-me, O'Whyen?

Susie O'Brien is back 'telling us like it is' in her latest article, this time about Collingwood player Heritier Lumumba. I decided to tell her how it ACTUALLY is, this time from the perspective of someone who is gay and discriminated against and experiences homophobia. The italics are all me, the non-italics are all her.

JUST what is Heritier Lumumba thinking? Surely he wouldn’t throw away a terrific AFL career just because of some graffiti on a poster?

What IS he thinking? Perhaps he is thinking 'wow, i think homophobia in 2014 is really shit. I know there are gay staff around here who probably experience homophobia in other places, and they don't really need it at work as well' 

Today we learn Lumumba may leave Collingwood because of his objection to the words “off to the Mardi Gras boys?” written on an advertising poster featuring fellow players Scott Pendlebury and Dayne Beams.

It was no direct attack on Lumumba, and although could be seen as mildly homophobic, was neither personal, nor particularly nasty.

Oh gosh Susie, thanks for clearing this up for us. Silly me, i thought joking that two men (i assume) touching or standing near each other in a poster are gay and should be off to Mardi Gras is not just mildly homophobic, but actually homophobic. I thought making jokes at the expense of someone's sexuality is the very definition of homophobia, but i'm glad you are around to clear this up. 

I suppose that i'm more sensitive to it because, as a lesbian, i can imagine walking into my place of work and seeing that poster. I can almost *feel* the sinking feeling in my gut, the feeling that queer people always have when someone is casually homophobic around them. The sick thought that someone who i spend all day with is ready with a pen at any moment to make homophobic jokes, and leave them displayed for everyone to see. The chuckle from each player or coach or staff member as they see it like daggers into your soul. 

By reacting in the way he has, Lumumba risks becoming a laughing stock in the eyes of his fellow players and fans of the game.

Do you know who SHOULD actually be the laughing stock? The grown man who took the time out of his busy adult schedule doing really adult things to grab a pen and write 'off to the Mardi Gras boys?' The grown man who wrote that should not only be a laughing stock, but disciplined by his club. 

And do you know who is not laughing? People who think that homophobia is a really serious issue, especially in the macho Australian sporting culture. People who think it is unacceptable in 2014. People who know that the only way things will change is for men like Lumumba to take a stand, to speak up when homophobic incidents occur. 

Yes, there is homophobia in the AFL; that is undeniable. But if players react to every single slight or slur, then they risk not being taken seriously when they raise issues of more substance.

Similarly, I think commentator Brian Taylor deserved to be censored for jokingly calling Geelong star Harry Taylor a “big poofter”.

But, as I argued at the time, he didn’t deserve to lose his job over it. Although it was offensive because it made fun of gay people, it wasn’t a deliberately nasty attack.

Same goes in this case; there is no doubt the Mardi Gras comment was thoughtless and unhelpful, but it wasn’t particularly personal or vindictive.

Susie, i think the words 'deliberate' and 'nasty' have different meanings in your world. Was the person walking along with a pen when they happened to trip and fall into the poster, somehow leaving a scrawled homophobic joke on it? Did Brian Taylor, on live television, call a man a 'big poofter', for everyone to hear, or did he have some kind of weird homophobic hiccup? The reason these incidents occurred is because these grown men decided to be homophobic in that moment. It is not an accident that it is what they went to. That it was in their mind, in their arsenal and it was pulled out when they needed to insult another person.

Or maybe you don't think it's deliberate or nasty because none of the slurs were aimed AT a gay person. Well guess what, that is completely irrelevant. I don't know if you've read my other blog posts, but on the off chance you aren't a fan of mine, i remained closeted for several years after i had decided to come out because i heard one of my family members used a gay slur that wasn't pointed at anyone. Do you really think it isn't 'nasty' to call someone a 'big poofter', a gay slur that men in this country have had to endure time and time again?The very slur that i'm sure has contributed to bullying, to mental health issues, and to suicide for a lot of our young queer men? I can tell you that the poster sure would have felt 'nasty' or 'deliberate' to a gay staff member that walked in and saw it, even if it wasn't aimed at them.

The concern is that such comments stereotype and belittle gay players, and may be a reason there are so few openly gay AFL players.

But if players or officials make heavy weather of every single comment — to the point where they are willing to resign over it — then I think they risk losing the sympathy and support of the wider population.

If players or officials standing up to homophobia, and standing up to this dangerous idea that mild or casual homophobia is not damaging to our society is 'making heavy weather', then let it rain. The person who should have the sympathy and support of the wider population is the person in this case who is saying enough is enough, and wanting homophobia to be treated seriously. The smallest battles can sometimes be the most important, but in any case, they are the ones that need to be fought first. 

Now, some of you might know that I stood up for Adam Goodes and his reaction to the “ape” comment amid criticism from Shane Warne this week. I would argue that this is very different. The ape comment was very hurtful because it suggested that Goodes is subhuman, and a different species to others because of the colour of his skin.

It was a very nasty, personal attack, and I don’t blame him for reacting the way he did after enduring a lifetime of racism. Of course, the problem was also the treatment of the 13-year-old by security staff and the club.

Homophobic comments are extremely hurtful to homosexual people. They suggest that we are different, we are abnormal, we aren't equals, we aren't to be respected, we are to be mocked, we aren't to have the same rights, and our feelings aren't important. When you say that people who stand up for us, and stand against homophobia will be 'laughing stocks', this is also what you are telling us.

Lumumba might have been particularly sensitive to the gay slur because of a comment made to him recently by a Hawthorn supporter.

Lumumba, who has a Brazilian mother and Congolese father, last year changed his name from Harry O’Brien back to his birth name. He took a break from the game amid personal issues, and has struggled with his identity.

No doubt this battle has a bearing on his reaction to the poster. Despite this, I don’t think it’s worth resigning over.

Possibly. Or *maybe* you have no idea about his personal life. 

Once again, political correctness rules the AFL, and petty obsessions are getting in the way of the game we love.

Yes it is such a shame that 'political correctness' like not wanting people to write homophobic jokes on posters is ruling. Yes, 'petty obsessions' like caring about AFL's gay fans, its players, and the young men and women who are affected each and every time they hear about another homophobic incident ARE terrible. 

It’s no wonder that new CEO Gillon McLaughlan’s vow to return the AFL to the fans has been so popular.

Can't wait for a return of AFL to the fans, let racism, sexism and homophobia reign! 

Great job Susie. 

World Wrongress of Families

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen AND NOBODY OUTSIDE THOSE RIGID GENDER AND SEX ROLES of the World Congress of Families, my name is Kevin Andrews. You might recognise me from the time last week where you awarded me ‘Natural Family Man of the Year’, and I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for that very justified award. I have been waiting years and years for someone to recognise how natural I am. Everything I try, I’m a natural. Having two first names; killed it. Natural.  Having hair that looks natural and definitely is natural of course it is, very natural; boom. Natural.  Have you seen the picture of me holding hands with my wife naturally on the couch as naturally as if we’ve never met before and there’s a natural invisible bear trap under our hands? BAM, incredibly natural. I’ve spent my life just being so natural all over the place, and I thank you for finally acknowledging it.  

Moving on, I would like to welcome you all to this McCafe that I rented for an hour from a 16-year-old McDonalds employee for $100, literally the only place in the country that would allow us to hold this meeting. Of course I will have that payment docked from his Centrelink benefits as soon as I leave here tonight. I will do it personally, lowering myself down from the roof on wires, wearing all black, hacking into the Centrelink computers to take some money from him, because I hate the young. Please enjoy the spread I asked him to put out for us, four leftover macarons.

Now, just a warning, at some point the lights will go off in here, and at that point I will ask you to shine your iphone torches onto my face. Please don’t be frightened by the sight of my face illuminated bizarrely in the dark, just continue to listen to the sound of my voice throughout that time to reassure yourself that I am not some kind of demonic monster. Speaking of demonic monsters, I have been made aware that ‘Larissa Waters’ (which HAS to be a fake name) from the ‘Greens’ (is that even a colour?), has had a motion pass in the Senate saying that I should not be delivering this exact speech. I have to decided to ignore this motion (as I ignore everyone when they motion for me to get away from them), because I believe speaking here today is the right thing to do, and so is doing whatever I want whenever I want regardless of consequence because I am a big boy wearing big boy pants. 

Along that train of thought, how good is taking off your big boy pants to engage in passionate heterosexual sex between husband and wife for the sole purpose of procreation? However, let’s talk about why we are all really here! I have no idea, this seems like a terrible decision for me and will bring nothing but trouble? In any case, whilst heterosexual married sex is good, we have many bad things to worry about as well. While at the library today using those magic email boxes for my allotted 10 minutes, I accidentally saw a ‘filum clip’ of someone called ‘Nicki Minaj’. I watched approximately twenty seconds of it because I wrongly assumed that it was a documentary about the Garden of Eden. It was not, ladies and gentleman. It did remind me of you, event organizer Margaret Butts, but I can’t say why. I can’t describe what I saw without sinning, but I have no doubt that the homosexuals and abortionists are behind that filth.  It is why I am happy to be here today, in a move that brings a sick feeling to the stomach of queer and transgender Australians, as they understand how much some of the politicians literally running their country dislike them.

Let us look forward to the rest of this meeting and the aims we hope to achieve. We have gathered to nod in agreement as several people tell us their insane ideas based on made up or skewed statistics, as Jesus would have wanted. We are here to try and stop women from accessing abortions, because a woman will 100% get breast cancer if she has one. Or maybe it is 100% no connection. I have a murky memory as the study those statistics are taken from are so old. But at our core, that is what we are really about, the protection and happiness of women. That is why, I know, the World Congress has protected women so well by doing such things as opposing abortion even when the mother’s life is threatened, or in the case of rape. And not only just in America, but in countries where women already have it great, like Nigeria! You are true modern day heroes, and I am honoured to be in this McCafe with you. 

However, it is not just women we have to defeat. We also need to work harder to stop gay people from spreading their sick filth to our children. Do NOT let your children watch things like The Great British Bake Off, where that evil filth monster Sue Perkins will attempt to recruit your children to being gay with puns about BAKED GOODS. It is truly disgusting. DO let them watch shows that promote the normalcy and innocence and pure love of heterosexuality, such as The Bachelor.

Australia needs to become more like Russia, and I know the World Congress of Families has thrown their support behind Putin’s anti-gay laws, and wish to export them to other countries, which is wonderful news. I hope one day to ride on Vladimir’s shirtless back, as he gives me a piggyback through a river stream, on our way to vilify homosexuals. I thank the World Congress for bringing me one step closer to my dream, and may the rest of your awful meeting for terrible humans filled with baby spiders like me go smoothly.

 

Thorplease

Ian Thorpe and I are almost exactly the same age, give or a take a few weeks. In 2000 when we were both 17, we were in slightly different places. I was at home in my regional Queensland town of Toowoomba, watching the Sydney Olympics with my family. At the same time, he was becoming the most successful athlete at those Olympics, and the most talked about person in Australia. A lot of this talk was admiration for his amazing achievements in swimming, but another part of it was discussion about his sexuality. About the way he talked, his voice, his soft-spoken way, and the fact that maybe he was gay. That he probably was gay. In the following years he was asked about his sexuality over and over again. It was discussed in the media, and by the public (don’t kid yourselves), constantly. And he was forced to answer the question, over and over again. And he chose to deny it. Until now. For whatever reason, he has decided to go on television and make it final, to tell us for once and for all that he is not heterosexual.  

When I was 17, 18, 19, 20, I knew I was a lesbian. Nobody was hounding me about it; nobody was telling me I must be a lesbian because of my mannerisms. Nobody was speculating about it in newspapers.  And yet, if you had asked me flat out during those times, even if you told me that everyone was supportive, and that ‘we all know anyway’, I definitely would have denied it straight (lol) out. I wasn’t ready. I came out to two people when I was 20 years old, and it took me another three years before I was out to everyone. But maybe if i had been forced to deny it so early on, i would have continued to deny it, stuck in a denial that is very hard to get out of. The fact that the first instinct of some people is to claim that they 'knew' all along because of his mannerisms, to be sarcastic about his coming out, is very unhelpful. Those kinds of comments can have a negative impact on young people who may share those mannerisms, gay or not, and it may encourage more people to pressure those they 'think' are gay. There are friends of mine who have had people speculate about their sexuality (because they 'seemed' gay, which is a whole new issue), from when they were teenagers, who have had people tell them that ‘everyone knows you are gay anyway, and we don’t care’, who have stayed in the closet for a LOT longer than they otherwise would have without that pressure. I cannot even imagine what that must have been like for someone like Ian Thorpe. 

And this is assuming, as everyone seems to be, that he even knew he wasn't straight this entire time. People are giving him a hard time for ‘lying’ about his sexuality. To this I would say, nobody’s sexuality belongs to you. Thorpe could have been denying it because he was in denial, or maybe he didn't feel comfortable identifying as gay, maybe for a long time he identified as bisexual, or any number of things. When he told us he was straight, he could have been pushing it so far down that he believed it. And even if he knew from day one he wasn't straight, he owed us nothing. None of us know what kind of pressure he was under, what he was feeling, and why he didn’t feel safe or comfortable to come out. Being a closeted nobody in a small town was hard enough, and led me to deny my sexuality for a long time. I can only imagine it would have been a million times harder being a famous professional athlete, with all that it entails. Judging someone for when and how they decide to come out is, in my opinion, unacceptable. Judging someone for being closeted (especially if they are an athlete and not an anti-gay politician enacting anti-gay legislation) is totally unfair. Especially when that person has lived under the spotlight of a society obsessed with their sexuality since they were a teenager. 

And this brings me to the ‘who cares’ and ‘why does he have to announce’ it chorus of today. It is beyond unhelpful, especially as a heterosexual person, to have your reaction be ‘it shouldn’t matter’. Of course it shouldn’t. Nobody thinks it should. True, maybe now, fourteen years later, more people don’t care about someone’s sexuality than ever before. But Ian Thorpe hasn’t had that luxury; he endured many years of people absolutely caring. And this fantasy world where sexuality is irrelevant and nobody cares and we are treated the same is just that, a fantasy.  In a perfect world, this wouldn’t be the case. In the perfect world, football commentators in 2014 wouldn’t be calling people ‘poofters’ on national television. People wouldn’t be sending in complaints when a gay athlete is shown kissing his boyfriend in celebration. To think that in 2014 it isn’t a big deal for someone as well known as Ian to come out of the closet, is frankly kidding yourself. It is also really unfair to deny him the feeling of relief and closure that ending the years of speculation will hopefully bring. If anyone deserves that, it is him. 

Edit: There has been a lot of discussion surrounding Thorpe's payment for the interview. First, why shouldn't he get paid? People get paid for telling their stories all of the time. And secondly, i personally see it as a kind of restitution for the media's role in making his life difficult. 

Orange is the No Ah No.

At around 1am, as I was ready to doze off to sleep and dream about kissing Beyonce or World Peace or something similarly amazing, I saw a link on twitter to an article. This isn’t unusual, as between the awful jokes (my twitter), raging about issues (my twitter), and complaining about the weather (my twitter), there are a lot of worthwhile things linked to on twitter (not my twitter). In this case, however, I didn’t want to see that link. Part of my brain attempted to pretend we hadn’t seen the link, allowing me to instead gently fall asleep, my golden hair softly falling over my smooth brow as I softly snoozed into my pillow. However, the other part of my brain, the big, stupid, conscientious, cynical part, overrode the systems like Sandra Bullock in The Net, and forced me to click upon that link. At the soft click of the track pad on my MacBook Air, so began the ruination of the rest of my night, along with my ability to sleep like an angel. The link led me to an article published in The Atlantic titled:  ‘Orange Is the New Black's Irresponsible Portrayal of Men’. 

You may be thinking thoughts such as ‘What?’ and ‘Huh?’ and you would be correct in thinking those thoughts. It is an article written by; now wait for this because it will no doubt shock you to your very core, a white man named Noah Berlatsky. I will wait here for several seconds while you regain consciousness after such a huge hit of astonishment. Noah has several problems with the television show Orange is the New Black, and possibly several other problems in general but I couldn’t possibly say. As a big fan of ‘OITNB’ as the kids call it, YOLO etc, I have decided to attempt to try and address some of Noah’s concerns here. I will put the sections of Noah’s article in italics, to represent that Noah wrote it, and also so you can easily identify the terrible arguments.

Orange Is the New Black has been justly praised for its representation of groups who are often either marginalized or completely invisible in most mainstream media. The show has prominent, complex roles for black women, Latinas, lesbian and bisexual women, and perhaps the first major role for a trans woman played by a trans woman, the wonderful Laverne Cox. There remains, however, one important group that the show barely, and inadequately, represents.

That group is men.

Hahahahahahahahahah oh thank you Noah, I have not had a good laugh like that since I last laughed alone with salad. It seems VERY strange to start out this paragraph by acknowledging that OITNB has been praised for being a mainstream show that is finally representing a whole array of women who haven’t been before, but then flipping that argument on its head by then complaining about the lack of men in the show. Is Noah TRYING to invite ridicule? Because ridicule just received a save the date card in his PO Box. Essentially what he is saying here is ‘sure, this one show finally gives invisible women the chance to be represented, but surely men who are represented everywhere should be visible as well?’ No…ah.  No.

 He goes on:

This may seem like a silly complaint. 

Got it in one buddy.

Men, after all, are amply represented in the media, in major and minor roles, whether on Game of Thrones or Mad Men or Breaking Bad or The Wire. For that matter, there are in fact a number of male characters on OITNB, such as counselor Sam Healey (Michael Harney) who gets a typical guy-plot about struggling against disillusionment and prejudice to be a good man. Why should OITNB, unique in being devoted to women, bother with more men?

Hmm, that is a good question. In that it is not a good question, it is seemingly an unnecessary question. Okay it is not only unnecessary, it is terrible. OITNB should definitely not bother with more men. There are SEVERAL prominent male characters in this show. There is way too MUCH Larry. I would prefer LESS men. If you compare OITNB and how many complex male characters there are to (the enormous amount) of male-focused shows and the complex female characters that exist in them, OITNB is more than fair.

Men, after all, are not just ‘amply represented’ in the media Noah, men are OVER-represented. In every single facet of the media and entertainment. Do you know who are severely under-represented, considering their numbers? Women. Do you know who are under-represented to the point of almost non-existence, Noah? Women of colour. Trans women. You would like this one show, the ONE show, to shift its focus from these stories that we never ever get to see, to focus more on men, whose stories we cannot get away from. Okay, maybe I am getting carried away; let’s examine what good reason Noah has for this request:

The reason: While media is full of men, real-life prisons are even more so. Men are incarcerated at more than 10 times the rate of women. In 2012, there were 109,000 women in prison. That's a high number—but it's dwarfed by a male prison population that in 2012 reached just over 1,462,000. In 2011 men made up about 93 percent of prisoners.

Okay? That seems unrelated to this show set in a women’s prison, but true I guess?

 The few male prisoners who are shown on OITNB are presented in almost aggressively stereotypical ways. Early in the second season, when Piper (Taylor Schilling) is being moved to Chicago to testify in a drug trial, we're shown a number of male inmates being transported as well. They are presented as a threatening, uniform mass.

 Oh I see, the show should have shown a mass of male prisoners in prison uniforms being transported in a huge group as something other than threatening. Why didn’t Jenji Kohan have them perform a flash mob routine to the song Let It Go from Frozen?  Why didn’t Piper get to know some of these prisoners individually as she was handcuffed to her seat on a plane amidst the other women prisoners on her way to a women’s prison? Why wasn’t there a meet-cute when she went to reach for a paper water cup as the same time a sensitive unthreatening male prisoner? Noah then goes onto complain that the one male prisoner we do get to meet (a contract killer) is portrayed as deviant and dangerous. I mean, it is shocking when you think about it, that the creators of this show somehow dreamt up this idea of a dangerous criminal being in prison. 

Noah goes on: 

Female prisoners on the show are treated very differently. They may be violent and may be queer, but they are, for the most part, presented as sympathetic. This seems like a feminist move, on the surface. But the inability to extend that sympathy to male inmates, raises a disturbing possibility: that the show is condescending to women while reinforcing old and destructive attitudes about men.

Hold up, hold up. Wait, what? ‘They may be violent and may be queer’?? And they are STILL presented as sympathetic? That is crazy. I mean, how can someone who is queer be presented as sympathetic?  Wow, they can do anything with television these days. HD, 3D, Netflix, Google Glass, making queer people sympathetic, the list goes on and on. Meanwhile, the show doesn’t have the ‘inability’ to extend that sympathy to male inmates, it doesn’t have the OPPORTUNITY, because it is a television show about…female inmates.

At this point, Noah includes a few paragraphs about the idea that empathy is often reserved for female victims, that male victims of domestic violence are often ignored, that gender-targeted killing of ‘battle-age’ men in Bosnia were ignored, and that male victimization is seen as natural and not worth commenting on. He also makes the point that “part of the reason we see our violent, abusive prison system as acceptable is because we have trouble seeing violence against young, black men as violence.” These are very big ideas, and I especially think discussion around the incarceration of black men is worth examining (although hopefully it would include conversations about racism and not just gender).

However approximately zero of these ideas have any place in a discussion about this one television show. This one television show, based on a TRUE STORY about a WOMAN going to WOMEN’S PRISON

According to Orange Is the New Black, though, men in prison are "super-predators"….

No, according to Orange is the New Black that one character was.

…while women in prison are, often, innocent victims, doomed by circumstances and their own painful but touching character flaws. OITNB underlines this most clearly in its flashbacks, where we see each inmate’s life-story as a tragic melodrama (a significantly gendered genre) leading to prison.

 YES BECAUSE IT IS A TELEVISION COMEDY-DRAMA DRAMEDY ABOUT THE LIFE STORIES OF WOMEN IN PRISON AND HOW THEY GOT TO THE WOMEN’S PRISON??

Though there are a couple of exceptions (like cancer-victim Rosa, a former bank-robbing adrenaline junkie, or sociopathic new villain Vee (Lorraine Toussaint)) for the most part the characters land behind bars because of a tragic lack of love.

The backstories don't really focus on systemic injustices. Instead, they show how individual weaknesses lead the women to prison. A woman in OITNB goes to the bad when her impulse for love is thwarted.

IT IS ALMOST AS IF THIS IS A TELEVISION SHOW THAT PEOPLE ARE MEANT TO ENJOY WATCHING AND NOT A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT THE ATROCITIES OF THE SOCIAL AND JUSTICE SYSTEMS.

As Yasmin Nair points out, heroin in OITNB is presented as some sort of absolute, corrupting, verboten evil—precisely the attitude that has created our decades-old incarceration binge. Minority, marginalized men, often deliberately segregated and barred from most employment, turn to the drug trade. The state typically uses moral panic around drug use as an opportunity to police, harass, and imprison them. Occasionally, women—especially minority women—end up getting caught in the gears too. 

OKAY AND THAT IS ALL OBVIOUSLY AWFUL AND NEEDS TO BE DISCUSSED MORE AND I HOPE THERE IS FOCUS ON THIS IN OTHER PLACES BUT IN THIS ONE TELEVISION SHOW ABOUT WOMEN IN PRISON WE ARE FOCUSING ON THE STORIES OF THE WOMEN BECAUSE AFOREMENTIONED WOMEN’S PRISON THING.

This isn't to say that minority women aren't discriminated against in many, many ways

No, ah shit. You don’t say.

The fact that Orange Is The New Black has been able to attract such a range of phenomenally talented women actors of color speaks loudly about the shamefully limited opportunities for black and Latina women in television and film. But despite its path-breaking representation of minority women, the show remains trapped by gender preconceptions that aren't path-breaking at all.

‘this one show is the only show in the history of the world that a lot of these amazing women of color have been able to find opportunity, but men are victimized and you know I just think that perhaps more focus on men?’

OITNB is so eager to sympathize with broken-hearted women and their individual sadnesses that it has no time to consider the institutional machinery of injustice that, in this case, has little directly to do with either individuals or women. It's hard to see how such a distorted view of incarceration helps prisoners of any gender.

 Let’s see, how can I put this. Perhaps the show is eager to sympathise with its characters because it is a television show that requires the audience to sympathise with its characters? Perhaps it is not meant to necessarily ‘help’ prisoners of any gender? Perhaps it is entertainment. But who can say.

 The reason Noah’s article frustrated me so much is because even as a privileged white cis woman, television and movies are still lacking when it comes to representation of women. It is so rare that a show exists that is focused on women, that a show exists to mainly tell women’s stories. And this one not only does that, it also features the stories of non-white, queer and trans women. The fact that this is so rare is shameful, but it is a fact. There are plenty of things to criticise about OITNB, it is not perfect, and there are valid arguments to be made against it, especially surrounding race and class.

However, what is not and will never be a valid argument is a white male author writing an article attacking it for not featuring enough stories about men. 

p.s have you heard of the show Oz 

original article link: http://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2014/06/why-it-is-a-bad-thing-that-orange-is-the-new-black-leaves-men-out/373682/

Lez Be Acquaintances

A few weeks ago New York Magazine's pop music critic Jody Rosen reportedly discovered a page from a 1988 Women's and Gender Studies class held at the University of Wisconsin. It is titled "When You Meet a Lesbian: Hints for the Heterosexual Women" 

The list was issued to help heterosexual women of the 80s deal with the extreme weirdness of meeting a lesbian. As a lesbian, and a hero, I thought it would be helpful to go through the points on the list now and add a few notes, hopefully to help heterosexual women in 2014 when they happen upon a lesbian.

 

WOMEN’S STUDIES 103

WHEN YOU MEET A LESBIAN: HINTS FOR THE HETEROSEXUAL WOMEN

 

1.    Do not run from the room. This is rude.

Lesbians and bears have many things in common, one of these is that they will be attracted to your campsite if you leave food out; the other is that they will both chase you if you run. Stay perfectly still unless;

 

2.   If you must back away, do so slowly and with discretion.

Lesbians can only see you if you move, as portrayed on film in Jurassic Park. The Tyrannosaurus Rex was meant to symbolise lesbians. Jeff Goldblum was meant to symbolise a man that I would sleep with even though I am a lesbian.

 

3.   Do not assume she is attracted to you.

You should not assume she is attracted to you. However, are you funny? Do you think I’m funny? Are you a pretty brunette wearing a plaid shirt? If you answered yes to one or more of these things, chances are good.

 

4.   Do not assume she is not attracted to you.

Assuming makes an ass out of you and lesbians. But it makes sense. She is a lesbian isn’t she? You are a lady, right? And WHAT a lady. What are you up to later, do you want to get a free-trade coffee and listen to Ani Difranco?

 

5.   Do not assume you are not attracted to her.

In fact, you are probably attracted to her. She seems great. Who wouldn’t be attracted to her? She’s so funny, writing all those things on that thing about lesbians Jodie Rosen found. LOL. What a great lady.

 

6.   Do not expect her to be as excited about meeting a heterosexual as you may be about meeting a lesbian. She was probably raised with them.

This doesn’t make any sense, I was raised with wolves and I am still excited when I meet a new wolf. Also, we ARE still very excited to come across a heterosexual in the wild. But my co-workers are getting quite annoyed at my excited shrieks of surprised delight every single morning.

 

7.   Do not immediately start talking about your boyfriend or husband in order to make it clear you are straight. She probably already knows.

Lesbians have the ability to go a few hours into the future and see whom they are going to meet. That’s how we always know if you have a boyfriend or husband, we travel forward in time, then back, and then look you up on Facebook.  So don’t concern yourself with talking about your male partner, unless you would like to have some kind of human interaction where you share information. In that case, please DO talk about your husband, but call him ‘hubby’ so that I know there is no future for us.

 

8.   Do not tell her it is sexist to prefer women. Do not tell her men are as oppressed by sexism as women and women should help men fight their oppression.

You definitely shouldn’t tell lesbians this. Or any person who is sane.

 

9.  Do not assume she hates men. On the other hand, recognize that she may not want to attend an event where there will be men.

Please ensure there are no men at any events I attend. This includes the political process, industry, jobs, business, sports, on the internet, entertainment and all other events. Please just show directly me to your basewoment where I will live out my man-less days.

 

10.  Do not ask her how she got this way. Ask yourself how you got that way.

Which way do they mean by got ‘this way’? How awesome I am? In which case I can tell you, I was born awesome. Or do they mean ‘this way’ as in to this specific Internet site. Either way, ask yourself how you got that way and then ask yourself why you feel the need to ask so many questions, and then ask your therapist for an appointment tomorrow.

 

11.   Do not trivialize her experience by assuming it is a bedroom issue only.

Do not trivialize my experience by assuming it’s a bedroom issue. But DO trivial pursuit my experience by assuming it is a board game issue and bringing in the special 50 Shades of Grey Trivial Pursuit edition which is actually very confusing because all the pie pieces are shades of grey, actually let’s just forget the whole thing & play Scattegories instead. Or have sex.

 

12.   Do not assume she wants to be treated like a man.

Incorrect. Please assume I want to be paid an equal wage for equal work, and to have every privilege that happens in life forever for no reason.

 

13.   Do not assume that her lesbian relationships, unlike male-female relationships, are free of problems like envy, communication failure, struggles with commitment, etc. On the other hand, do not assume she is in an unhealthy relationship.

I’m sorry, haven’t you seen Ellen and Portia together? Lesbian relationships are free of all problems, including ‘we haven’t saved enough mistreated farm animals’ or; ‘our lives don’t have enough precocious English children in them’  

 

14.  Do not assume that you and she can not be friends. Do not assume you can.

Do not assume that you and she cannot be friends and do not assume you can. But do assume that you can be F.R.I.E.N.D.S, although there weren’t many gay people on that show. I’ll be ugly naked guy. But do not assume that we’ll be friends if you are Ross. We will in fact be enemies. Be prepared, but do not assume.

 

15.   Do respect her individuality. She is a lesbian, but she is also Mary, Pam, Lori..

All lesbians have several personalities. Sometimes you are a Mary, a real princess. Sometimes you are a Pam, an animated coke-addict, and sometimes you are Lori, a Tank Girl. Lesbians are like a box of chocolate, you never know what you’re gonna get (except that it will be a lesbian of some kind).

 

EXPERIMENT: PRETEND TO BE A LESBIAN FOR 24 HOURS. WHAT KIND OF THINGS DO YOU NOTICE ABOUT HOW DIFFERENT THIS FEELS.

DO YOU NOTICE YOU ARE USING CAPS LOCK A LOT MORE? DO YOU NOTICE THAT NOTHING IS DIFFERENT EXCEPT THAT NOW YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO WOMEN INSTEAD OF MEN? IF THE LATTER, CONGRATS, YOU ARE BECOMING A REAL WOMAN/LESBIAN. IF YOU NEED ANY FURTHER HELP IN BEING A LESIAN FOR 24 HOURS, OR PERHAPS STAYING A LESBIAN FOREVER, I RECOMMEND TWEETING @BROCKLESNITCH FOR ADVICE.

 

original link: https://twitter.com/jodyrosen/status/453253353644892160/photo/1


I am woman hear me The Roar

Today on sports site The Roar (which I read regularly and follow on twitter, being a sports-loving lesbian), ‘expert’ contributor Ryan O’Connell (who I also follow on twitter, but who has never followed me back but that has nothing to do with this, that is a different failing) wrote about an incident in the NRL Under-20s State of Origin match the Saturday night previous. Blues player Mitchell Moses was caught calling opposition player Luke Bateman “a f*cking gay c**t”. Even though Bateman did not wish to make an official complaint, the NRL review investigated and the outcome was a two-match suspension for Moses. He was also ordered to undergo an anti-vilification education and awareness program. Great, right? The NRL (not historically known for its progressive politics) acting swiftly to show young players that homophobic language is unacceptable, and attempting to educate them to be better in the future.

Not according to Ryan. He went on to say:

Though I applaud the stance, and fully support it, there’s just one little problem: no one was discriminated against. Bateman is not gay. So the slur was technically nothing more than foul language. Moses can be accused of being boorish and ignorant, but it’s not exactly accurate to call him a ‘homophobe’.

Don’t get me wrong, what he said was unacceptable and he should be punished for it. As the NRL had recently held a press conference with other major Australian sporting organisations to announce they were committed to ensuring homophobic slurs were not part of their sports, they most definitely needed to act upon the incident.

But the context in which the comment was made suggests Moses should really be punished under the category of being a neanderthal and using unacceptable language, rather than being anti-gay. If you want evidence of this, read the slur again and notice which words are censored. It will give you an indication of the truly offensive part of the comment.

I asked a gay friend if the sledge offended him, and though only a sample of one, his response was, “Not really. Not in that context. He’s basically just calling the other player a girl, isn’t he?”

That response should help add a little perspective to the incident. While there should be no room in the game for homophobic slurs, and the battle for equality starts by making such comments unacceptable, let’s not overreact either." 

(source: http://www.theroar.com.au/2014/05/06/racist-homophobe-put-pitchforks-away-gang/)

Oh Ryan. Firstly, I am quite confused as to what he is even arguing here. The NRL had to act because of their anti-homophobia stance, but it wasn’t homophobic, it was just bad language. In any case, I do know what he is saying below, and it is way off base:

Though I applaud the stance, and fully support it, there’s just one little problem: no one was discriminated against. Bateman is not gay. So the slur was technically nothing more than foul language. Moses can be accused of being boorish and ignorant, but it’s not exactly accurate to call him a ‘homophobe'"  

Well, this could just not be more wrong. Language does not work like that, and as a writer, I am surprised Ryan is so confused about this. Homophobic language does not only exist when it is directed at a gay person’s gay ears. Moses was not calling his opponent foul names and then dropped the word ‘gay’ in there as something unrelated and positive. He meant to insult Bateman. He used the word gay, the word that I identify with, as an insult. To tear someone else down. That is homophobic. 100% case closed; blow the whistle, game over, other sports things etc.

If you still don’t quite get it, let me tell you a little story about a terrified closeted 17-year-old Rebecca. I was staying at my favourite aunt & uncle’s house for the weekend. I loved them, and felt comfortable with them. They were young and cool and accepting and progressive. We had a great night, and at the end of the night I planned on having them be the first people I came out to, hopefully giving me the courage to then come out to everyone. I remember the exact moment. I was sitting on the stairs with my Aunty when my Uncle (who was inside drunk) started talking about bands and music and performers. I was laughing and excited and dying of nerves and happy and then I heard my Uncle say the word ‘faggot’. He wasn’t saying it AT any gay person. It was just a throwaway word that I assume he didn’t think anything of, and he probably doesn’t remember that night, let alone that moment. 

And yet fourteen years later, I remember it clearly. My stomach dropped, my face flushed, I felt cold run through my veins. My excited nerves turned to dread. I completely shut down. And do you know what happened? I didn’t come out to anyone until I was 20 years old. That moment stopped me feeling safe to come out for three years. That throwaway line, that Ryan would argue was not homophobic, made me feel like my Uncle hated people like me. That I couldn’t even trust that the people I thought would be TOTALLY okay with me being a lesbian to accept me when I told them. It made me feel l didn’t belong anywhere. Extend that to closeted men. Extend that to closeted young men in macho environments. Extend that to closeted young men who love NRL. Imagine the repercussions something like that could have.

Language is power. That is why i took Ryan's response so seriously and am responding here. He is someone that gets to use language to influence people, to make a difference.  It does not matter what Ryan’s gay friend thinks. It especially doesn’t matter what they think if their opinion is that it isn’t offensive because it’s just like Moses was calling Bateman a girl. That is a whole new problem. Comparing someone to a woman should not be an insult. It is sexist. Again, I don’t see how this confuses anyone.

I am glad that Ryan’s gay friend wasn’t personally offended, I am glad they are so comfortable and secure. But that isn’t the point. The point is that the NRL is trying to stamp out homophobic language, and what Moses said was absolutely homophobic. He might not hate gay people, but what he said was homophobic. He might think gay people should have equal rights, but what he said was homophobic. I can keep saying it all day, and it will keep being true. I can't take Ryan's word for it that Moses is not a homophobe. The only thing I have to base my opinion on is that Moses uses gay slurs to insult people. I hope that this is a learning experience for him and that he is more careful about what he says in the future, because this is not about if Ryan is offended, or Ryan’s gay friend is offended, or if I am offended. This is about a wider issue, and making sure everyone feels safe and included to be involved with the sport they love.

p.s Perhaps next time The Roar should consider having a few more different perspectives on their website, instead of a straight male lecturing the rest of us on what we should find offensive.

Str8y One Hateys

Boreganisers in Italy have announced plans to hold Europe’s first ‘Straight Pride Parade’ on May 17 in Florence (choosing the gayest sounding city in the world). If you were scratching your head wondering why on earth this is happening, the reason for this parade are many, and obvious. From the group’s website (sorry, their webstraight): 

“The birth of Gay Pride made room and time to debate both internal and external institutions. These days, homosexuality is widely and constantly discussed, but the same cannot be said about heterosexuality. Heterosexuality is perceived as something obvious and predictable. This attitude is wrong. Actually, very wrong. […] Heterosexuals, which according to official figures account for 92.5 percent of the global population, are taken for granted by mass-media as well as society's institutions, who seem convinced that heterosexuals have no issues or needs. That is absolutely untrue.” (http://www.vice.com/read/etero-straght-pride-giuliano-visalli-interview)

Clear enough for you yet? Basically as everyone knows, heterosexuality is boring and predictable (wellllllll...), taken for granted and also everyone assumes they have no problems. According to the main man and founder Giuliano Visalli, a celebration of straightness is necessary because “all those certainties that are associated with heterosexuality no longer exist. We don’t want to lay claim to our rights, we just want to carry on a form of self-criticism towards a world that is slowly falling apart. A self-criticism with respect to what has happened in the last 50 years.”

Ohhh okay, now I get it. You want to self-criticise the world. I see, totally clear. I can give you some tips on this, Giuliano, just head to twitter.com if you want to see criticisms of almost anything in the world. 

When asked to comment on what will happen if straight people continue to be ignored, Giuliano (who has long hair like a LADY) stated that men would lose their masculinity. In fact he says, if you look at television shows, it is already happening (obviously he isn’t watching Walker, Texas Ranger). He says that male role models are unrecognisable as straight, as evident by the ‘waxed eyebrow trend’, which Straight Pride will make disappear. And this is the most disturbing part of this whole straight pride concept so far, what if my favourite show ‘Men With Waxed Eyebrows’ gets cancelled?

However, Giuliano is not just worried about straight men. He says that the straight pride movement will also be able to help women, as so many of them have ‘lost the sense of their own biological clock’. Giuliano believes that the media plays a large role in women losing their biological clock behind the couch or by the side of the road or wherever women go in between shopping trips, with special critique saved for Sex and the City. Giuliana thinks that women idolizing 40-year-old childless, horny career women as portrayed on SATC is degrading. Oh god, this is not looking good for my other favourite show ‘Middle-Aged Women Being Horny and Childless But With Good Jobs’.

In any case, I think the Straight Pride Parade sounds wonderful, and to help out, here are a few ideas for some floats the organisers can use:

The Constant Representation Float 

Oh this is a fun float that represents all of the different depictions of heterosexual characters that have existed on television and in movies and in songs and in plays and on ads and in magazines and in every facet of humanity that straight people have been able to see and identify with since the beginning of time. It is a big float. 

The Heternormative Float

 This float is made up of two giant hands. One hand is pink, to represent women. One hand is blue, to represent men. The pink hand is holding a broom and the blue hand is holding a golf club. A colourful blue and pink banner is strung between the hands, proudly declaring ‘Normal!!’ This is the standard-bearer float, the default, the one that is deemed the most correct, and the one that all other floats are compared to. Both hands have the same wedding ring on their ring finger. 

The Nobody Stares At You On The Street Or Threatens To Bash You Float

This float has various heterosexual romantic couples on it. Some of them are sitting next to each other. Some are walking around holding hands. Some are kissing on a fake train seat. Some of the men have their arms around their girlfriends. None of them are being stared at with disgusted looks. There are no groups of bros on the opposite fake train seat muttering ‘fags’ and looking like they might beat the couples up at any moment. There are no people driving past in cars and screaming ‘die homos!!’ at the couples holding hands. It is a very uneventful float.

 The Non-Discrimination Float 

This float is made up of the paper from all of the laws from all around the world that discriminate against heterosexuals. It is just people walking on the road.

Game of Owns

The second season of Game of Thrones starts tonight, and i still haven't watched any of it. Unfortunately some people assume it is because you are trying to be cool or different, but in all honesty i am just an adult lady who knows what i like & don't like, and that it isn't for me. And that's FINE. But i thought it would be a good time to revisit the time i wrote down everything i knew about Game of Thrones without having watched a single second or read any of the books. If I get things wrong please don’t…dragon me? Whatever they do on that show. This is all in good fun and i am so glad everyone gets such enjoyment from this show, if you need me i will be watching Veep and then terrible poor-quality reality shows that i love for some reason. 

BASIC PLOT

I have no idea really, i assume it's about getting into power. There are a bunch of families and Kings and Queens and watching the show is basically a memory exercise to see if you can remember who is who. They kill each other a lot and the ‘Game of Thrones’ is basically musical chairs played with the throne of power?  It sounds pretty fun. People have tried to convince me to watch by telling me there are a lot of naked breasts, and I have to remind them that I am not a pervert but also the internet has a lot of those and I can look at them without also having to see a hairy man having sex with his sister.

JOFFREY

Joffrey has a dumb name. Also he is like the Slytherin of the group, he is all weird and pasty and evil? He does some really bad shit I don’t know, but apparently people on the street in real life accost him angrily because people are idiots. I don’t know if he’s still alive, but I guess everyone wants him to be dead. What a life for poor Joffrey.

LENA HEADEY

I think her name is…C…something? Lena Headey is wonderful, and has long hair and is beautiful in this. I think she might play Joffrey’s mother or sister? I think she’s probably a bad person, but who fucking knows. I just wanted to include this to tell you to watch Imagine Me and You, an English movie where she falls in love with Piper Perabo and makes me very happy aka pushing my lesbian agenda.

KHALEESI

Khaleesi has really long white-blonde hair and looks kind of like a human unicorn, but GoT doesn’t have unicorns (I don’t think). She seems to be really awesome and is a Dragon Whisperer or some shit. She’s either good with dragons, or is actually a dragon or something. Definitely dragons are involved. She seems like the most relevant to my interest character.

LILY ALLEN’S BROTHER

Lily Allen has a song called Alfie about her brother and I know her brother is in this, so I assume Alfie Allen is in this. Oh, something Greyjoy is his name? I think he’s a good guy, and he also might have been killed already. He looks like a young Michael Shannon. Is he Joffrey’s brother? Oh who knows, there are too many people in this. Also, i think he is probably dead by now?

MORDOR

Wait, Mordor might be Lord of the Rings. But Sean Bean is in both? STOP DOING SO MANY MEMES I AM CONFUSED.

PETER DINKLAGE

Okay, he plays someone called Tyron? Tyrion? Try-on? He is handsome and I think he’s a great actor, so he is the other relevant to my interests character. I don’t really know what Tyrion gets up to around the place. I think he is a good guy who fights again Joffrey.  However I do know that he can get it.

JON SNOW

He knows nothing! He is like me! What he knows nothing about, I’m not sure. I have seen a picture of him, he is bearded and in…snow, so that’s a bit too literal for my tastes. I have an image of him basically wearing a bear fur and performing oral sex on a naked woman with snow in his beard, so that could have happened or just be something I thought of earlier. But it seems unlikely that my imagination would put a bearded dude in there and not Khaleesi, so I don’t know. Also I’m pretty sure the snow in the beard trick is something he read in Cosmo.

WINTER IS COMING

This is a popular catchphrase used in memes. I guess some guy says it and it is probable literal in that winter is coming and that can cause problems like their horses would ice over in the morning, and also it’s probably a figurative way to say that some bad stuff is going to happen. All I know is that my “Wintour is coming – Anna Wintour having sex” tweet did pretty well, so thanks Guy of Thrones.

RED WEDDING

Okay, this caused so so so so many tweets by people. I think I saw the same jokes ten thousand times, it really made me want to go all Joffrey on everyone am I right? Because that would be bad? In any case, I’m pretty sure this was like Four Weddings: Game of Thrones and someone hated the people getting married and were like ‘I object! By killing you and your family and children and puppies’ and it was a trap and a bunch of people got dead. Sad. I bet they didn’t get the deposit back on the hall or tuxedos.

 

I believe that sums up everything I know about Game of Thrones. I understand there are approximately one billion more characters and things. But I am glad it brings you so much joy, please don’t contact me to correct my mistakes, only contact me to give me cash or compliments or cakes. And enjoy season 2, won't you. 

  

Biscaryials

As a child, I was never really frightened of the usual scary supernatural things that children fear. I wasn’t alarmed by the thought of monsters in the cupboard, or creatures under the bed, or witches or ghosts. The only thing that really used to scare me was the creepy-crawly pool cleaner in my granddad’s pool, and of course it didn’t scare me enough to actually stop me swimming. In hindsight, I probably should have been more frightened of the fact that my granddad was an alcoholic and I shared genetic material with him. Now, as an adult, I am scared of a few more things. These vary from the fear of antibiotic resistant superbugs, all the way to fear of my tiny superfund account. Also some other things without the word super in them. However, one thing has remained true, and that is that I am still not scared of monsters (except for the movie Monster-in-Law), or witches or ghosts. But there is one thing that I have always hated, ever since I was a little girl. And I am scared of it to this very day. 

BISEXUALITY!!

Even typing that word chilled me so deeply to the bone that i don't think i will ever be warm again. But they say that to defeat your fears, you have to face your fears.  And I will not live one more moment in fear of these monsters! Here are a few reasons I can’t stand them. 

THEY ARE GREEDY SLUTS

Who do bisexuals think they are? How dare they make the decision to be attracted to both men AND women! The rest of us chose to either be attracted to men OR women, because WE aren’t greedy! I suppose you bisexuals would like to have your cake and eat it too? Well I’m sorry, but I just think it is plain wrong.  As everyone knows, bisexuals are never ever monogamous, and at every point in their lives they are fucking a man AND a woman at the same time and it is like ‘hey leave some for the rest of us why don’t you, bisexuals!’, some of us can't be out tempting both sexes at the same time because we have new episodes of Storage Wars to watch!

Bisexuals could have us BOTH

Bisexuals could have us BOTH

I mean, why do bisexuals have this compulsion? Isn’t your lifestyle exhausting, bisexuals? Why don’t you just try finally committing to your true self, you will get a lot more sleep.  And stop asking for ‘representation’ on television. What do you expect, one well-rounded character that is just a normal person who happens to not date based on gender? Lower your goddamn expectations. Also it's a bit scary how bisexual’s wings burst through their backs when the Mars fifth moon moves into Saturn and they fly around above cemeteries dropping the blood of lambs onto gravestones. 

THEY ARE COWARDS

Bisexuals are just SCARED of choosing a side. It is so obvious that deep down inside them (not that way you pervert) they truly know that they are straight or gay, but they are just cowards and don’t want to choose.

The Cowardly Bisexualion 

The Cowardly Bisexualion 

Take Olympic diver Tom Daley. Don’t you think it is weird that he seemed so COMFORTABLE saying that he still fancies women while dating a MAN? Someone has obviously been taking acting lessons from Dustin Lance Orange is the New Black!! How else could you explain that he seemed content to imply that he is attracted to both sexes? That is just not possible. They are so different! Men like doing things like sports and beer and women like doing things like shopping and wine! How the fuck could you ever be attracted to both of those, like some sort of hybrid human who could enjoy beer AND wine? Or sports AND shopping? I am sorry, but you are not fooling me. Also it is a bit cowardly how bisexuals love to pick fights with tiny babies, and that’s why that weird room full of babies in the maternity ward is protected with a glass screen to stop the spit and tomatoes that bisexuals try to hurl towards them. 

THEY ARE LIARS

A lot of the wider gay community seems to have a problem with people who call themselves bisexual. For a lot of lesbians, it can be because they have had experiences where a woman has broken their heart and then ended up with a man. And they are RIGHT to be angry and confused, because as we all know it is only bisexuals who break people’s hearts. It is ONLY bisexuals who dump you, or end up being someone you don’t think they are, or who eventually find someone else more attractive than you. Also, some women kiss other women without it meaning anything! Sometimes for sexual gratification for others, without getting married! Disgusting. I for one am so glad that everyone but bisexuals has their shit together in relationships, or the world would be a messy place. For some of the wider queer community, they also believe that men who claim to be bisexual aren’t really bisexual at all, that in a few years they will come out as 100% homo. This is probably due to the fact that it can be fucking terrifying to admit that there is this finality, that you are definitely gay. So some people sort of ease into it, by telling themselves they are bisexual, and leaving room to go back on it if it is too scary out in this bullshit world. 

So obviously this means that the wider community is RIGHT to doubt other people who then say they are bisexual, no matter how sincere they sound. Who are they to label THEMSELVES, when we are right here to do it for them? How fucking dare they presume to think it is okay to tell US what they are thinking or feeling and expect us to respect their wishes! LOL! It is very important that everyone is labeled at all times, of course. Otherwise chaos would reign. But I’m sorry, I will decide which labels are fair and true, BISEXUALS. I know you are just lying to yourself and me, and I will not stand for it. Speaking of not standing for something, it is also terrible how 100% of Internet scams are run by bisexuals. Why isn’t the government doing more to stop these criminal bisexual monsters!!!

Clear your internet anne heche cache 

Clear your internet anne heche cache 

Phew. Okay, I do actually feel better now that I have gotten that out. I think we can all agree that bisexuals are terrible people who are lying to us, lying to themselves, tricking us, cheating on us, or generally ruining society by being attracted to men and women. Definitely they are in the best and most enviable position because people from the heterosexual community shit on them, and people from the queer community shit on them. ‘Lucky bisexuals’, gosh I must say that a million times a day. However, in all honesty we should actually thank bisexuals for bringing us all together as one group. It doesn’t matter if you are gay or straight or questioning or asexual or allsexual or any type of anything ever, you can be made to look like an awful garbage person judgmental cretin by the way you talk about them.  

P.S Please everyone be what something-sexual you want, as long as you are also a Brocklesexual 

Nothing Compares 2 Youth

You are probably aware of the Sinead O'Connor V Miley Cyrus fight that is going on, and wow that is a sentence i never could have guessed i would ever write. Sinead was obviously prompted to act when Miley said in a recent interview that the Wrecking Ball video had been inspired by the Nothing Compares 2 U video. Of course, instead of contacting Miley privately, she wrote an open letter on her website. Because what the world needs more of is successful women criticizing other successful women publicly. Speaking of publicity, i thank Meryl every single day that i was not 20 years old when twitter and instagram and iphones and vine and facebook existed, and that none of the incredibly, incredibly, incredibly, incredibly stupid stuff i did was documented. I would hazard a guess that Sinead would probably feel that way as well.

Anyway, in her first letter she essentially posits that Miley is being 'pimped' and exploited in a way that is not empowering for young women, that a message is being sent that she is valued more for her sexual appeal rather than her (obvious) talent. She says that Miley does not care for herself, she should be protected as a 'precious' young lady, blah blah something about us not encouraging young women to walk around naked because of prey, that Miley is worth more than her body, that she will be really empowered when she refuses to exploit her body something something. Also the message she is sending as role model to young women is it is cool to be prostituted. You can read the whole thing here: http://tinyurl.com/ok45qjm, but that's basically the gist.

Of course, Sinead claims that all of this was said 'in the spirit of motherliness and with love'. Well guess what Sinead, you aren't her mother. She is however, someone who has written a public letter scolding a 20 year old pop star under the veneer of concern. She's written a letter full of condescension. A rant where she automatically assumes that because Miley is a young woman who uses her sexuality as well as her talent, that she must have no agency. That there is no possible way that she could be in control of her life, or the decisions that she is making. 

She's ignoring the fact that the 'Miley' brand and every move she makes might be carefully plotted out to sell her product (and it works, and this is helping). She's saying that a young woman's expression of sexuality is wrong and that she has a right to advise against it. Not to mention all of the sex-workers that she denigrates over and over again which is hugely problematic and stop that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, Miley responded to this with a few tweets (because of course she did), linking to a series of old Sinead tweets where she is asking for help with mental health issues. She also dragged Amanda Bynes into it, which was totally uncalled for (#teamamanda). Obviously mocking people for mental health issues is absolutely terrible and unacceptable, and she could have responded in a multitude of better ways. That said, i'm not sure if Sinead was expecting Miley to put on a mu-mu and ring her doorbell, crying and holding a tub of ice cream or something, but she was obviously not expecting a retaliation like that. So she wrote another letter. This time she totally drops the motherly love pretense, saying things like:

"It is most unbecoming of you to respond in such a fashion to someone who expressed care for you,"  (anyone should be able to say anything to you under the guise of concern and you should thank them for it)

 "..taking me on is even more f--kin' stupid than behaving like a prostitute and calling it feminism" (wow it is so unclear what Sinead thinks of sex workers!!!!)

""[H]ave you any idea how stupid and dangerous it is to mock people for suffering illness? You will yourself one day suffer such illness, that is without doubt. The course you have set yourself upon can only end in that, trust me. I am staggered that any 20 yr old woman of the 21st century could behave in such a dangerous and irresponsible manner as to not only send the signal to young women that its ok to act like prostitutes but also to the signal that those who have suffered or do suffer mental health problems are to be mocked.."   (Miley shouldn't make light of mental health issues, also she is using her sexuality and this makes her a prostitute and will make other women prostitutes, oh and also it will definitely cause Miley to have mental health issues but don't make light of them)

""And worse that you are such an anti-female tool of the anti-female music industry." (Miley is anti-female possibly because she uses her sexuality to sell music, unlike other pop stars past and present).

and in response to Miley posting a picture of Sinead tearing the Pope's photo;

   "You could really do with educating yourself, that is if you're not too busy getting your tits out to read." (FYI it is possible and sometimes comfortable to read WITH your tits out, just a little life tip for you)

    [you can read the whole thing here: http://tinyurl.com/o6abqlm

So there we have it. Sinead ends on a lovely sentiment of slut-shaming, pretty much negating any of the actual sensible thoughts or concern she expressed. Of course it *is* possible that Miley is being exploited, because obviously exploitation exists in the music industry. It *is* possible that she is not in control, and that one day there might need to be concern. The problem lies in the fact that especially since her MTV awards performance, there has been an incredible amount of slut-shaming and sexism directed toward Miley under this same guise of concern.

Are there issues with the music industry and how it treats women? Absolutely. They have existed forever. Miley Cyrus is not the first 20 year old pop star to use overt sexuality to sell music. Has anyone watched the Christina Aguelira film clip for Dirrty recently? Where were her open letters? And why are these critiques of the men behind the 'pimping' of the stars and the people in control of the music industry even being directed at one young female pop star, and not to the people you think are behind it? think Sinead O'Connor could be a knowledgeable source of great advice and support to someone like Miley Cyrus if she were actually genuinely concerned, but this was not the way to do it.

ALSO COME ON BOTH OF YOU:

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p.s how fucking weird is the world we live in?

p.p.s Miley, seriously. Don't mock people for mental health issues.

 

So fresh and clean

I tuned into an episode of America's Next Top Model yesterday and it happened to be the once-a-season makeover episode. I am the kind of person/moron who will watch a makeover episode of just about any television show and enjoy every second. One of the main kind of makeover shows is 'unattractive' people finally having enough chemicals slathered onto their faces and into their bodies to make them palatable enough to walk down the street without people yelling slurs at them from cars (spoiler! if they are female this probably still happens after their makeover). don't particularly enjoy this kind of makeover, probably because i definitely need one but refuse to give in (the blobfish is my spirit genetic monster animal).

The kind of makeover episode i really enjoy is when an absolutely stunning twenty-year-old opens an envelope and inside the more and more insane Tyra Banks has written down what thing she wants to happen to them. Most of the time it's something like 'hey stunning model who is young and stunning, we are going to dye your already dyed blonde hair a different shade of blonde' and the model cries about how when they had that other particular shade of blonde the mean girl at school teased them once, and it brings back terrible memories of being gorgeous but sad for a few seconds until her mother bought her a new pony and somehow the sadness and crying makes her even more beautiful. 

The site you are visiting now is the result of my makeover episode. My old blog was a hot mess, and now it is beautiful and Australia's Next Top Blogdel. As a result i will hopefully be updating it a lot more often, because now i can stand to look at it without vomiting. 

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What a day

Bob Day is a vampire and likely new senator from the Family First party in South Australia. This great mind could have quite an impact if he holds the balance of power. Here are some sections from his recent live blog with The Morning Bulletin in Rockhampton that show how wonderful everything is going to be.


Marriage Equality




Women soldiers




Father's Rights




Climate Change




Good work Australia everything is fine!!!!



the full blog can be found here:

http://www.themorningbulletin.com.au/news/family-firsts-bob-day-next-leaders-live-blog-tomor/1992645/

TIPS FOR LIVING A MIND-HEALTHY LIFE


Get 8 hours sleep:

Go to bed at a reasonable hour. Turn off all screens, even put away that book. Try to relax. Clear your mind of everything, let sleep wash over your body. Lie awake for several hours worrying about everything. Think about all the super accounts that you need to consolidate. Think about how your have no career. Think about your parents dying. Think about how the world will most definitely end soon, in one way or another, and try to guess which year this will happen. Will the children you haven’t had yet live to see their children graduate high school? Should you even have children? Should you become an anti-choice activist, but in this case you don’t want anyone to be allowed to choose to have children at all? Wake up at 6am after falling into a restless sleep at 3am. You don’t remember falling asleep, but your hands are clenched into fists.





Avoid negative people and conflict:

Don’t allow time-thieves to steal away your time. Avoid talking about politics or religion with colleagues, your friends, your family. Never visit websites or forums where negative people trying to get a rise out of you hang out. Just have fun with people, talk about movies and puppies. Use twitter obsessively. Read the #auspol hashtag. Respond to all the racist, homophobic, sexist trolls that seek you out. Read terrible news sites with awful journalists. On the most divisive articles ensure that you for some reason sit down and read every single comment from the stupidest people in the world. Hate every second of it. Rage at the world around you, feel despair for the future. Friend all the acquaintances you have on Facebook, so you can learn to hate them from their naïve and ridiculous beliefs before really knowing them. Take a break from writing these very words to read a list created by bigoted Christians listing the crazy reasons they disagree with the idea of same-sex marriage. Get mad, but keep reading. Never stop reading.





Have pets:

Pets are very important for your mental health and well-being. Have at least one cat that loves you and you love it. If you like, get a dog. A dog means unconditional love, something to help you exercise and something to hug. If you have cats and dogs, make sure to worry about every cat and dog that you don’t have. Be unable to go past pet shops that sell animals for profit, because you want to throw a chair through their stupid windows. Never, ever go to a shelter or look at animals for adoption online because you will end up in tears that you can’t adopt every animal. Feel a deep feeling of despair when you see a dog on the street, and stop your car no matter where you are going. Always ruin your plans to collect it in case a car hits it and you will not be able to live with yourself. You probably wouldn't know if a car hit it, but are a pessimist and will assume it. Take it to the local vet for identification; spend hours making sure it finds it way home. Feel sad that you cannot take it home.






Appreciate silence: Society moves so fast these days. Make sure you take time to switch off from the fast-paced world each day. Switch off everything that makes noise and find a comfortable place to sit. Breathe deeply and enjoy the time your brain now has to *really* think. Make sure each night you download enough podcasts so that there will never be one moment during the following day that noise isn’t playing in your ears. Never ever, not even once have silence in your ears at a bus stop or train station, lest you overhear the awful things other humans have to say. If you get the opportunity at work, try not to remove your headphones. Do not connect with the sounds of the outside world (as much as possible). When you arrive home, switch on music or the television immediately. Talk to your pets to break any silences that might exist. Call friends, family members. Make telemarketers uncomfortable with how needy you are. Never be alone with your terrifying thoughts. Until bedtime, when they will then keep you awake. Turn on a noise machine so you can have the terrifying thoughts with sound in the background.





I hope these tips from my life make your life a little bit better. Let's all enjoy the next few days, as there is absolutely nothing that's going to happen on Saturday to make us miserable.













gifs via:

tinyurl.com/k69e9ge
neonearthtone.tumblr.com/
tinyurl.com/ljhp3jg
http://tinyurl.com/kzx8oc6
tumblr.com/tagged/shut-it-down

Things Less Creepy Than Tony Abbott (An incomplete list)

This old house:




Houses are just structures that we live in. Sure the house might be haunted with a civil war ghost, and sure that ghost might float over your bed and wake you up in the middle of the night. But a house would protect a nun from rain, not weirdly and creepily kiss her.



This spider:




I HATE spiders. They are scary and creepy and poisonous and small and they scurry about and can hide in tiny places. They are awful. But have you ever seen footage of a spider asking a female apprentice if she ‘would be the most popular girl in the place'? Doubt it.





The twins from The Shining:




Little girls speaking in unison in a crazy-ass mansion where a man is losing his mind? Of course, we can all agree that is pretty creepy. But is it as creepy as Tony Abbott standing amongst a group of highschool netballers with that smile and saying ‘full body contact never hurt anyone’? 




Not a chance. 


Star Bec

Hi there everyone! This is the third in my ‘information series of popular things I have never seen nor have any interest in much to the chagrin of a lot of people on the internet’. I’m sure I could come up with a catchier name later, but I almost definitely won’t. Anyway, I thought it was about time I write about Star Trek partly because of the excitement of the new movie, and so everyone could have a little refresher about the series. Of course I have never seen an episode of the show or any of the movies, but I have watched a lot of The Simpsons. I also watched the classic terrible movie American Psycho 2, and William Shatner is in that and pushed out of a window, so I feel confident in my knowledge about the Stars Treks. Speaking of star things, Star Trek and Star Wars seem pretty similar. I mean, they both feature stars but I guess some people trek through the stars peacefully and some have wars in and around the stars, and so I’m on the peaceful guys team I guess? Anyway, I have some episodes of Storage Wars aka the best wars to watch, so let me get into it.

Star Trek

As I started writing this, I realised I really have no idea what this show is about. It was on in the 60s, and I know it’s some people in spacecraft doing stuff in space. Why are there? Are they looking to find planets and such? Does Earth exist in this and also women? Are they looking for Uranus hahaha? Why were people watching this when they could be having free love? There have been several television shows and lots of movies based on it. And then the new ones happened and JJ Abrams did those maybe. Now he’s doing Star Wars? Or Joss Whedon. I don’t know, none of these things are Buffy so I don’t care.

Leonard Nimoy

Leonard plays Doctor or Mr Spock? He is dressed either in blue or yellow, and has deformed ears and amazing eyebrows. He looks kind of like a drag queen before they put on the rest of their outfit. I wish he wore a smock so he could be Mr Spock in a smock, but that probably never happened. I don’t know what he does, something where he’s a no-fun serious guy who never smiles. Lighten up Leonard, jesus! APPRECIATE THE MIRACLE OF WHERE YOU ARE YOU ARE! YOU ARE IN SPACE.

Billy Shats

William Shatner plays Captain Kirk, so I suppose he runs the ship thing. He was handsome I guess? Captain Kirk is dressed like the Yellow Wiggle and I have no idea what his personality or character is like, but I do know his legacy was Shatnered on at the Oscars this year. A more fun show would be if current day William Shatner owned a bar in space and it was called ‘Space Bar’ and he was all grumpy or something hilarious like that.

George Takei

I have no idea who or what George Takei played, but he’s a really great awesome guy in real life so I had to include him.  I’m sure he was great at the trekking.

Live Long and Prosper

This is the thing the space guys say while they do a gang sign at you. I think Nimoy does it a lot. If they had Instagram it would just be photo after photo of people on the ship popping gang signs and taking selfies.

Beam Me Up Scotty

I’ve heard this a lot, at parties in QLD guys will say ‘Beam me up Scotty’ and they mean ‘Give me a can of your finest Jim Beam premix Scott’ – this isn’t a true story but god I wish it were. In any case, I think Kirk says this and Scotty (don’t know who he is, maybe the I.T guy), does…beam him up. From somewhere to somewhere else. Aren’t they already in SPACE, where can you go that is UP from space? Anyway, sounds fun.

The Next Generation

Unfortunately this isn’t about Degrassi (miss you Spike), I guess it was a reboot in the…90s? Patrick Stewart looks dashing in his baldness and snazzy red and black uniform, and that’s pretty much the extent of my knowledge about that.

As you can see, I am an expert in all things Star Trek and next year I will be appearing on Australia’s version of The Big Bang Theory. Please do not tell me things about Star Trek, but do tell me how amazing I am. Live long and prosper, for reals. 

Doctor Who/When/Where/How/WHY/I Don’t Know

Hello Internet! You may remember I wrote a post about the small amount of knowledge I have about the beloved movie series Star Wars. This was a VERY successful post in that a lot of people got annoyed and I probably lost some twitter followers and perhaps someone is planning my untimely death right now. But I had fun doing it, and to be honest that is all that really matters to me. Because it was so fun, I’ve decided to do a similar thing with another beloved series. This time I am taking on the juggernaut that is Doctor Who. I tweeted that I was planning on doing this, and instantly had people tweet back “NEVER call it Dr Who it is always DOCTOR” and etc so I automatically knew that Doctor Who fans are very relaxed and open to a bit of fun and jokes around their favourite television show. I understand that this is the epitome of a cult television show, but have you seen that new Kevin Bacon show ‘The Following’ now THAT is a cult show if I’ve ever seen one (it’s about a cult).

As a very young child I do have vague recollections of my older brothers watching Doctor Who. Unfortunately all television memories were wiped out and replaced with the one of my macho tough-as-nails older brother sobbing when Todd Landers died on Neighbours in 1992. Nothing exists before that, and nothing that amazing has ever happened since. I cannot wait for his daughters to be old enough to understand so I can tell them about this moment in history and also make them laugh at him and perhaps point at his shame. Anyway, back to Doctor Who. I am going to list all of the things I think I know about it. If I am wrong, please don’t assassinate me. I also have zero idea what parts of my knowledge come from the old series or the new series, so gird your loins.

Doctor Who

He’s the man! I have no idea what kind of Doctor he is, I don’t think he has a medical degree or anything and in fact I suspect he just calls himself doctor.  Does he bulk bill? As far as I know there was a long line of different Doctors from basically when the dinosaurs roamed the earth and they keep changing because they die off or have a short life span or I don’t know? Oh maybe they are all the same person, but they just get a new body when that one gets tired and old. Just like I’ll do with my wife, amirite fellas??  This is actually a really clever way to keep the show going forever, good job nerds. But why hasn’t there been a lady doctor? Why can’t he regenerate into a woman’s body? (Sexy sentence alert!). Also there should be a female James Bond, just while I’m on this particular soapbox of demanding things of television and movies I’ve never watched. Anyway, I don’t know where Doctor Who comes from or what he’s doing but he seems nice.

TARDIS

I don’t feel comfortable saying this word out loud, even if it is an acronym. I have no idea what it stands for but maybe something like Talking And Running Dude In Space? Anyway, I think it’s the time/space/masturbation time machine Mr Doctor uses to get about. If I remember correctly it looks like a blue phone box, and by that I mean I don’t remember what phone boxes look like because I’m so young. I think the Doctor just always wears the same outfit as Sherlock Holmes, so I don’t think he gets changed in there like Superman. Oh wait, was Bill and Ted’s phone booth a tribute to this thing? Cool, I got that reference twenty years later.

Companions

The Companions are ladies and or gentlemen (mostly ladies?) who are DW’s BFF at any given time, I think. I only really know because one has been Billie Piper and Honey to the Bee, that’s you for me. Buzz me up to heaven baby. Those are lyrics from a classic 1997 Billie Piper song, and now she’s gallivanting around space and time with Doctor Who. Probably BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO! (Another classic Billie Piper song reference for those people that were cool in the nineties). Anyway the word ‘companion’ makes me think of two old men who have been together forever but who don’t want to admit they are gay lovers, so I like to imagine there’s been a bit of that going on over the years. I don’t know where these people come from, but I suspect it’s a good way to get a hot token female in there somewhere. P.S if any rich weirdo would like to hire me to be their travelling companion, I am available for European vacations.

Daleks

Daleks sounds like a the name a bogan would give their son who has the longest rats tail you’ve ever seen on a four year old. I think they are little squat robot things? In any case they look like a bumpy sex toy crossed with salt and pepper shakers. At some point someone has said ‘exterminate exterminate’ and I think it’s these guys or the Lost in Space guys. Are they trying to exterminate Doctor Who? If so, they are TERRIBLE at their job.  Get it together, Daleks. Also ‘Daleks Baldwin’ would be a fun sketch if I’m pronouncing this word right in my head.

In summary, people love this show and I am happy for them. I just hope the scornful and rigid attitude from a lot of the fans doesn’t stop young people from becoming new fans, HINT. Anyway, if you now want to talk to me about a REALLY great show where a man jumps around in time, please tweet me about Quantum Leap and mega-babe Scott Bakula. Please do not contact me and tell me I need to watch Doctor Who(m) because I don’t want to. Please DO tell contact me to tell me how great I am or if you wish to discuss Quantum Leap or Party of Five or Felicity or most other nineties shows I am always available.





Star Chores

Hello Internet! My name is Rebecca and I have gathered you all here to get a secret off my chest. We all know that the Internet is a kind and forgiving place, free of judgement and petty arguments. So I feel quite safe in revealing things here. I’m thinking of this as an Embarrassing Bodies studio and you are all Dr Pixie. The secret protruding bowel out of my anus that I’ve lived with for too long is…I’ve never seen even one minute of a Star Wars movie. Please see that weird-jawed tanned blonde man doctor if you feel faint.

Before you ask, this Star Wars ignorance isn’t out of some rebellion to shun the popular, I think everyone knows about my love for Beyonce (Call me May-Bey). It isn’t for any kind of reason except that it has never appealed to me, and apparently has never been on during those times I’m just too lazy to change the channel (which is how I’ve seen The Net forty times). I also grew up with three brothers who would never watch ‘nerd shit’, and so it has come to the pass that I am 30 years old and haven’t seen it. Obviously this has no doubt resulted in me missing some jokes on shows like Community (shout-out Britta just because), but I think that my life has gone okay in any case. Now, obviously the sensible thing to do would be to watch the movies, but let it NEVER be said that I was sensible. Instead, I thought I would write the only general things I know about Star Wars that I have picked up second-hand over my long and illustrious life.  Hopefully you will find my ignorance hilarious, as I find yours in all other areas!

Luke I am your father

This is when Darth Vader (unfortunately not Vada from My Girl) says ‘Luke come over to the dark side, I am your father and whatnot’ and then I’m not sure what happens but I have seen Maury Povich episodes like this, and usually they hug and cry. Oh, then the plastic-face guy and Luke fight with light sabers (which is also the best way to compliment a lady sabertooth tiger), and I don’t know who wins but I assume..I don’t care.

Jar Jar Binks

Jar Jar Binks is a thing that everyone hates?  I think it’s a thing that talks, but is probably some sort of creature rather than a human because of its stupid name? Anyway ‘LL Cool J – Ladies Loath Cool Jar Jar’ is a thing I just thought of.

Princess Leia

Princess Leia is the woman with the two-bun hair that Ross from Friends (the worst Friend) had a fantasy about. I kind of want to cover her hair buns in cinnamon and icing and then eat them, but that’s between my therapist and I.  Anyway, the Princess (of the Star Wars kingdom?) and Luke had a super hot incest thing going.  Princess Lay-Her, am I right? Um, Natalie Portman is beautiful and plays her daughter or mother or someone totally unrelated in the newer/older/whichever order movies (which, by the way, just seems deliberately confusing).  Leia also wears a lot of white, just like they do at your local White Lady Funerals.  

Han Solo

I was pretty confident that Harrison Ford played Luke up until very recently.  Anyway, Han Solo is a guy that wears a vest and he shot first? I’m not sure who shot whom, or what for, but I think it happened in a cafeteria. I don’t know what his job is, but I do love Indiana Jones so if it’s anything like that or if someone’s heart gets ripped out through his or her chest I’m fine with it.

R2D2

Mr R2D2 isn’t an abortion pill; he is what I imagine to be Ask Jeeves in gold robot form. I dunno what his deal is; I guess he’s a fancy slave or something.

Chewbacca

This is like ‘Chew’ ‘Tobacca’? Why is he called this? I just know he’s a big hairy thing that has a funny Kermit voice and I’m pretty sure in between movies he filmed Harry and the Hendersons. 

George Lucas

George Lucas made all the movies that everyone loved as kids, but then when they grew up he made some more and they were bad so we all hate him now.  Something about one of the new ones is mostly about trade negotiations, and to be honest that’s probably the one that interests me the most. 

So in summation, George Lucas has sold Star Wars to Disney for 1 Bazillion Dollars, and he’s donating it to sick puppies or children so I am all for Star Wars.  Imagine if it was called ‘Star Paws’ and it was about puppies with stars on their little paws!! I would watch that.  For now, please NEVER contact me with more information or details about Star Wars, but feel free to contact me with praise and cheques. 

HoHoHorror

First in a series.

 

The Kitchen

 

Ellen Degeneres sits on her couch, staring intently at her television. Playing on it is her own image. On Sundays she has Tony the DJ make a supercut of all the times she danced on camera that week (including every CCTV camera she was caught on in the entirety of Los Angeles). When she can’t sleep, she gets out of bed to watch it for an hour or three. It soothes her. Suddenly, she hears a strange noise coming from the kitchen. Unfamiliar to her ears, it makes her jump. She stands up and faces the direction of the sound, breathing heavily. She knows it isn’t her rescue dog or her other rescue dog or her rescue cat or her other rescue cat or that other stray cat they are feeding or her rescue birds or her rescue horse or her rescue Sophia Grace or Rosie (they are in the soundproof cage in the studio basement at Burbank), or her rescue pony or rescue mule or rescue sheep or rescue donkey or the rescue parrot she gave CPR to or the monkey she rescued from the set of Friends (Jen Aniston smuggled it out in The Rachel). Could it be Portia? No, since she had lunch with Gwyneth last week to get health tips, she sleeps wrapped upside down in a fake womb hanging from the ceiling. She wouldn’t be birthed out into a bath of warm coconut water until the water broke at 5:45am.

 

The noise continued. It was a thick gurgling, a steady bubbling, perhaps similar to the sound of a person struggling to breathe or Barney Frank doing anything. The hairs on her arms stood on end, waving back and forth, wearing a sensible vegan vest – mimicking the dancing figure on the screen behind her. She took a few steps towards the kitchen, with a feeling in the pit of her stomach that something was very wrong. Although not as wrong as her romantic comedy Mr Wrong, the wrongest thing that has ever happened. The noise seemed to be getting louder now, each gurgle lasting a few seconds more each time. She finally reached the kitchen and entered through the doorway, poking her tiny head around inch by inch until she could see in.  “If only These Walls Could Talk 2,” she thought to herself. Even in times of crisis she can’t stop being hilarious. It is her burden. She looked around the kitchen. There was nobody there. No wild animal, no open door, no brick covered in ricin thrown through the window by Oprah and Gayle like last time. Her heart was racing as the strange and scary noise shattered the silence again and again.

 

She realised the sound was coming from the usually empty space beside the Swisse Vitamin pantry. She quickly turned and grabbed a knife from the sink and moved toward the SVP, feeling her pulse beating hard in her wrist as she grasped the handle (her hand grip incredibly strong due to Swisse Vitamins). She approached the pantry and quietly flattened herself against the door. She paused, gathering her courage like Kristen Bell and a sloth gathering youtube hits. Suddenly there was an extremely loud gurgle. She swung into action and let out a Xena yell as she pounced around the corner, jabbing the knife out in both of her shaky hands. There was nobody there! The noise was coming from the six-hundred dollar waterfall fountain Portia had purchased that day for their cats. Ellen had completely forgotten about it. She started to laugh hysterically, gasping  “I put myself through hELLEN back because of this”, doubling over with laughter at her own wit. As she stood she noticed tiny writing on the side of the fountain. She bent back down and read it out loud, alone in the kitchen - “contains slip agents, made from animal fat”.
 

She starts screaming.

Everything Old Is Man Again


Hello there everyone! Especially you, you are my special favourite. I am writing this blog under a very wonderful mood spell of no sleep, too much caffeine & being annoyed by the bus trip home i just had and being pre-annoyed at all the future ones that are still left for me to experience until i die. I guess you could call it crazy sad, not to be confused with that Kirsten Dunst movie Crazy Beautiful in which something happened and I can’t remember, obviously it deeply impacted me not to be confused with Deep Impact which was crazy beautiful. Speaking of Kirsten Dunst, she is in an upcoming movie where she plays the wife of Viggo Mortensen, he of hilarious name and intimidating face.  GREAT SEGUE! The best way to insert a segue seamlessly is to shout how great the segue was, just a little tip for you 'writers'.

Anyway, I wanted to bring up the relationship between K-Duns and V-Mort (Voldemort) because i am getting a bit tired of seeing movies where the featured couple is an older actor with a young actress. Obviously i would prefer to see the couple be an actress with another actress, but if that isn't a possibility i would like SOME movies to have couples of similar ages. Of course if the age difference is a major plot point in the movie (and not just slyly referenced), that's fine as i would never deny a filmmaker the right to explore his own sexual and personal fantasies not that i'm speaking about anyone in particular Woody Allen. And of course relationships like that happen in real life, and i have no problem with them for i would never deign to label myself Judge Judy or Judging Amy or any other excellent people who get to Judge for a living.  However, movies are generally meant to be about regular people (who look like celebrities), and in regular marriages amongst us normals, the age difference average is about two years & huge age gaps are quite rare.  In regards to the movie with Lord Voldemort and Torrance, i actually don't know if it is a plot point in the movie but if it isn't my opinion can be summed up by this photo of 30 year old Kirsten and a 54 year old lesbian:

Ellen looks terrible

The most recent movie that has tickled my angry bone (new saying i'm trying out, i think it will catch on) is The Silver Linings Playbook. In this David O. Russell jaunt, the romance is between 38 year old B-Rad Cooper and 22 year old Jennifer Lawrence (sister of Joey Lawrence, not really but that would be great).  Here Lawrence is playing a character from a novel that is at least a decade older than her.  PLEASE do not get me wrong, i think she is wonderful and apparently she fought hard to get the role (just like Katniss fights hard for hunger), but are there really no 30ish year old actresses in the all of Hollywood and beyond that would do the job?  Also, is there any chance that when Jennifer Lawrence is in her thirties she will be starring alongside actors 15 years younger than her? No. Is there a chance she might not get any roles? Yes. Is there a chance she will not be acting any more because she'll be too busy looking after the children we're having together? Of course not, stupid.


LOOK HOW YOUNG I AM I'M WEARING A MIGHTY DUCKS? JERSEY!!
ALSO WTF IS THAT PICTURE OVER THERE

If that age-difference isn't enough for you dirty birds, there is an upcoming movie called 'The Third Person'. Not much is known about it, however what IS known is that Liam Neeson and Olivia Wilde play a romantic couple.  I love that scene in Taken when Neeson says "What i do have a very particular set of skills; skills i have acquired over a very long career....BECAUSE I AM SIXTY YEARS OLD" or something similar to that. On the other hand Olivia Wilde is 28.  She's younger than me, and that is truly the part i find the most disgusting.  

Sure Grandpa, i'll tie your shoe


Then you have 'Seeking a Friend for the End of the World' starring Steve Carell (50) and Keira Knightley (27), but at least the Carell character and perhaps Carell the person have the good sense to be  a bit weirded out by it.  And after all, Carell has played the romantic lead opposite Tina Fey (42) and Juliette Binoche (48) so he really deserves a chance to play alongside someone beautiful instead of those hideous old witches.

Ugh
Disgusting 

Of course there are plenty of other examples i can think of in movies where this sort of thing takes place, but almost none in the reverse where an older actress is with a young actor and it isn't a plot point and news headlines aren't screaming the word cougar at me twenty-four hours a day until i literally rip my own ears off and throw them at my local newsagent.  Besides the constant older man/younger woman thing there are also plenty of examples where actresses are cast as the MOTHERS of actors even if the actress is younger or of similar age.  In the movie 'Riding in Cars with Boys, Drew Barrymore (37) plays the mother of Adam Garcia (39).  

"Yo Mama so old she could be played by a stunning young Drew Barrymore" SICK BURN


This is an issue not just because obviously it's so dumb that young women are cast in roles they are just not old enough to be playing, but also that actresses who ARE an appropriate age to play the role aren't considered.  Actresses play romantic leads for men of any age until they hit their mid-to-late twenties and then they switch to playing the mothers of those same actors. Any other role is played by Judy Dench or Meryl Streep (who can play anything so it's really fine i take it all back).  I imagine that if Basic Instinct was remade now, the two female leads would be played by Emma Stone and Jennifer Lawrence and Michael Douglas' part would be played by Michael Douglas. 

So i guess to sum up, all i really want is an overhaul of the entertainment and movie making industries where sometimes romantic relationships are between two beautiful people of the same age, where women are given great roles no matter their age, where older actresses can be seen to be sexy like similar-aged male counterparts, and basically for equality between men and women in all areas in all industries around the world. 

So just get on that, okay thanks. I'LL BE CHECKING ON YOU.