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Science and Facts

If you are like me, you probably went to high school. Or perhaps you are still in high school, there’s no judgement here Billy Madison. In my mind, high school is best described as 40% learning things, and 60% being awkward in different school-related locations. I’m sure it wasn’t like this for everyone, but one of the places that bumped that number up closer to 100% awkward and 0% learning for everyone was in the room where the school would attempt to teach you sex education. Back in my day, as a young closeted lesbian, I hated these classes. I would be riding my horse and buggie to my public school, avoiding bushrangers and dinosaurs, and feeling a sick sense of dread at how abnormal I knew I was about to be made to feel. I would sit and scribble on my book covered with pictures of Scott Wolf and Will Smith (the celebrities I used as crush cover), and do my best to ignore everything the teacher was saying about normative heterosexual sex that you should only do after marriage and that any other kind of sex would result in parts of your body falling off.

But luckily for kids THESE days, common sense, compassion and reality are completely in charge. During a weekly youth program run by a Melbourne Pentecostal megachurch, students attending a public high school were recently given a booklet called ‘Science & Facts’.  This is great news. As we all know, when given a pamphlet from a megachurch entitled ‘Science & Facts’, you better strap yourself in for some solid, proven, researched, peer-reviewed Science And Facts.

The first bit of science and facts that was heaps fact-y informed the young minds that “girls are needier than guys in a relationship and always want to be close".

First, I am glad that this is making it clear that relationships are always between a girl and a guy. That is important to set out in case there are any queer teenagers reading, it will help them feel great about themselves and very normal. Secondly, why even broach that topic?  Why are you including that hacky bullshit sentence in literature to kids? Who wrote this, Tim the Toolman Taylor? Haven't you seen How I Met Your Mother? Women being the needy ones is a myth now.

But don’t worry everyone. These facts were quickly followed up by some very excellent science.

"If a woman becomes physically close and hugs a guy for 20 seconds it will trigger the bonding process, creating a greater desire to be near him. Then if the guy wants to take the relationship further it will become harder for her to say no," the booklet said. 

There is literally so much garbage in this one sentence that I am completely impressed and I think maybe now I believe in heaven. It’s so specific! What if you hug your dad? What if you hug a guy for 19 seconds? That’s the trick isn’t it, ladies. If you want to be close to a guy, but you don’t want to create a bond that means you HAVE to fuck him, just get close for 19.9 seconds at a time. It’s kind of like Speed but instead of the bus blowing up you are accidentally bonded to a man and won’t be able to say no to him.

Bonus points are to be given here for placing all of the onus and responsibility onto the teenage girls who are reading the pamphlet. Teenage girls, remember, do not hug boys for more than 20 seconds. If you do, you will have the desire to be close to him. If that happens, you will biologically not be able to say no to him and you’ll have to have sex. And if that awful thing happens, it is all because you hugged him that one time. Good one, idiot. 

It warned that having too many relationships could break "this special chemical bond" and harm a woman's capacity to form future relationships. 

Oh well here is where we get into the truth of the matter. They really wanted to write “We want to scare you into not being having sex and the way we will do this is by convincing you that if you do have sex with anyone you aren’t married to you will be alone forever and nobody will want you because women who have sex when they want are sluts and that's the worst, it’s fine for guys though”.

"Having multiple sex partners is almost like tape that loses its stickiness after being applied and removed multiple times. So the more you have the harder it is to bond to the next," it said.

In this Very Science Much Facts part, they are literally saying that women who have a sex life are like used up sticky tape. Which to be fair is actually true. Every Christmas I always forget to buy new sticky tape and I try to use sexually active women to wrap my gifts, and it just never works.

It’s not just sticky tape though; lots of office supplies are analogous to sex-having women.

The Stapler: Having multiple sex partners is almost like being a stapler. You only have a certain amount of staples (sex turns) and if you use up all the staples (sex turns), there will be none left to find a husband and staple him into marriage.

Office Chair:  Having multiple sex partners is almost like being an office chair. There are only so many times different men can sit in an office chair before it eventually breaks and you have to be put out on the street for garbage collection.

Fax Machine: Having multiple sex partners is almost like being a Fax Machine. You can only Fax so many men before you are used up and worn out and nobody in the office wants to Fax You any more.

So I hope that you have learned something here today about Science. And Facts. Personally I am incredibly glad that the church is combining with our public schools to do important work. To ensure that Australia’s teenagers are taught that queer people don’t exist. To let them know that women shouldn’t have sex because it will make them disgusting, but men should because it will make them great. What else is more important and integral to Australian society? What else is there that churches could be spending resources on? Refugees? Homeless queer or trans teenagers who have been kicked out of home because of intolerant families? Ludicrous. Nope, this is exactly what Jesus would have wanted, congrats.

Personally I have no desire at all to hug and bond and sex a man, so I am a perfect fit. Now, where is my closest incredibly wealthy megachurch and will I get to meet Justin Bieber?


(All info about the pamphlet came from this article on it: