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World Wrongress of Families

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen AND NOBODY OUTSIDE THOSE RIGID GENDER AND SEX ROLES of the World Congress of Families, my name is Kevin Andrews. You might recognise me from the time last week where you awarded me ‘Natural Family Man of the Year’, and I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for that very justified award. I have been waiting years and years for someone to recognise how natural I am. Everything I try, I’m a natural. Having two first names; killed it. Natural.  Having hair that looks natural and definitely is natural of course it is, very natural; boom. Natural.  Have you seen the picture of me holding hands with my wife naturally on the couch as naturally as if we’ve never met before and there’s a natural invisible bear trap under our hands? BAM, incredibly natural. I’ve spent my life just being so natural all over the place, and I thank you for finally acknowledging it.  

Moving on, I would like to welcome you all to this McCafe that I rented for an hour from a 16-year-old McDonalds employee for $100, literally the only place in the country that would allow us to hold this meeting. Of course I will have that payment docked from his Centrelink benefits as soon as I leave here tonight. I will do it personally, lowering myself down from the roof on wires, wearing all black, hacking into the Centrelink computers to take some money from him, because I hate the young. Please enjoy the spread I asked him to put out for us, four leftover macarons.

Now, just a warning, at some point the lights will go off in here, and at that point I will ask you to shine your iphone torches onto my face. Please don’t be frightened by the sight of my face illuminated bizarrely in the dark, just continue to listen to the sound of my voice throughout that time to reassure yourself that I am not some kind of demonic monster. Speaking of demonic monsters, I have been made aware that ‘Larissa Waters’ (which HAS to be a fake name) from the ‘Greens’ (is that even a colour?), has had a motion pass in the Senate saying that I should not be delivering this exact speech. I have to decided to ignore this motion (as I ignore everyone when they motion for me to get away from them), because I believe speaking here today is the right thing to do, and so is doing whatever I want whenever I want regardless of consequence because I am a big boy wearing big boy pants. 

Along that train of thought, how good is taking off your big boy pants to engage in passionate heterosexual sex between husband and wife for the sole purpose of procreation? However, let’s talk about why we are all really here! I have no idea, this seems like a terrible decision for me and will bring nothing but trouble? In any case, whilst heterosexual married sex is good, we have many bad things to worry about as well. While at the library today using those magic email boxes for my allotted 10 minutes, I accidentally saw a ‘filum clip’ of someone called ‘Nicki Minaj’. I watched approximately twenty seconds of it because I wrongly assumed that it was a documentary about the Garden of Eden. It was not, ladies and gentleman. It did remind me of you, event organizer Margaret Butts, but I can’t say why. I can’t describe what I saw without sinning, but I have no doubt that the homosexuals and abortionists are behind that filth.  It is why I am happy to be here today, in a move that brings a sick feeling to the stomach of queer and transgender Australians, as they understand how much some of the politicians literally running their country dislike them.

Let us look forward to the rest of this meeting and the aims we hope to achieve. We have gathered to nod in agreement as several people tell us their insane ideas based on made up or skewed statistics, as Jesus would have wanted. We are here to try and stop women from accessing abortions, because a woman will 100% get breast cancer if she has one. Or maybe it is 100% no connection. I have a murky memory as the study those statistics are taken from are so old. But at our core, that is what we are really about, the protection and happiness of women. That is why, I know, the World Congress has protected women so well by doing such things as opposing abortion even when the mother’s life is threatened, or in the case of rape. And not only just in America, but in countries where women already have it great, like Nigeria! You are true modern day heroes, and I am honoured to be in this McCafe with you. 

However, it is not just women we have to defeat. We also need to work harder to stop gay people from spreading their sick filth to our children. Do NOT let your children watch things like The Great British Bake Off, where that evil filth monster Sue Perkins will attempt to recruit your children to being gay with puns about BAKED GOODS. It is truly disgusting. DO let them watch shows that promote the normalcy and innocence and pure love of heterosexuality, such as The Bachelor.

Australia needs to become more like Russia, and I know the World Congress of Families has thrown their support behind Putin’s anti-gay laws, and wish to export them to other countries, which is wonderful news. I hope one day to ride on Vladimir’s shirtless back, as he gives me a piggyback through a river stream, on our way to vilify homosexuals. I thank the World Congress for bringing me one step closer to my dream, and may the rest of your awful meeting for terrible humans filled with baby spiders like me go smoothly.