Brocklesnitch

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Str8y One Hateys

Boreganisers in Italy have announced plans to hold Europe’s first ‘Straight Pride Parade’ on May 17 in Florence (choosing the gayest sounding city in the world). If you were scratching your head wondering why on earth this is happening, the reason for this parade are many, and obvious. From the group’s website (sorry, their webstraight): 

“The birth of Gay Pride made room and time to debate both internal and external institutions. These days, homosexuality is widely and constantly discussed, but the same cannot be said about heterosexuality. Heterosexuality is perceived as something obvious and predictable. This attitude is wrong. Actually, very wrong. […] Heterosexuals, which according to official figures account for 92.5 percent of the global population, are taken for granted by mass-media as well as society's institutions, who seem convinced that heterosexuals have no issues or needs. That is absolutely untrue.” (http://www.vice.com/read/etero-straght-pride-giuliano-visalli-interview)

Clear enough for you yet? Basically as everyone knows, heterosexuality is boring and predictable (wellllllll...), taken for granted and also everyone assumes they have no problems. According to the main man and founder Giuliano Visalli, a celebration of straightness is necessary because “all those certainties that are associated with heterosexuality no longer exist. We don’t want to lay claim to our rights, we just want to carry on a form of self-criticism towards a world that is slowly falling apart. A self-criticism with respect to what has happened in the last 50 years.”

Ohhh okay, now I get it. You want to self-criticise the world. I see, totally clear. I can give you some tips on this, Giuliano, just head to twitter.com if you want to see criticisms of almost anything in the world. 

When asked to comment on what will happen if straight people continue to be ignored, Giuliano (who has long hair like a LADY) stated that men would lose their masculinity. In fact he says, if you look at television shows, it is already happening (obviously he isn’t watching Walker, Texas Ranger). He says that male role models are unrecognisable as straight, as evident by the ‘waxed eyebrow trend’, which Straight Pride will make disappear. And this is the most disturbing part of this whole straight pride concept so far, what if my favourite show ‘Men With Waxed Eyebrows’ gets cancelled?

However, Giuliano is not just worried about straight men. He says that the straight pride movement will also be able to help women, as so many of them have ‘lost the sense of their own biological clock’. Giuliano believes that the media plays a large role in women losing their biological clock behind the couch or by the side of the road or wherever women go in between shopping trips, with special critique saved for Sex and the City. Giuliana thinks that women idolizing 40-year-old childless, horny career women as portrayed on SATC is degrading. Oh god, this is not looking good for my other favourite show ‘Middle-Aged Women Being Horny and Childless But With Good Jobs’.

In any case, I think the Straight Pride Parade sounds wonderful, and to help out, here are a few ideas for some floats the organisers can use:

The Constant Representation Float 

Oh this is a fun float that represents all of the different depictions of heterosexual characters that have existed on television and in movies and in songs and in plays and on ads and in magazines and in every facet of humanity that straight people have been able to see and identify with since the beginning of time. It is a big float. 

The Heternormative Float

 This float is made up of two giant hands. One hand is pink, to represent women. One hand is blue, to represent men. The pink hand is holding a broom and the blue hand is holding a golf club. A colourful blue and pink banner is strung between the hands, proudly declaring ‘Normal!!’ This is the standard-bearer float, the default, the one that is deemed the most correct, and the one that all other floats are compared to. Both hands have the same wedding ring on their ring finger. 

The Nobody Stares At You On The Street Or Threatens To Bash You Float

This float has various heterosexual romantic couples on it. Some of them are sitting next to each other. Some are walking around holding hands. Some are kissing on a fake train seat. Some of the men have their arms around their girlfriends. None of them are being stared at with disgusted looks. There are no groups of bros on the opposite fake train seat muttering ‘fags’ and looking like they might beat the couples up at any moment. There are no people driving past in cars and screaming ‘die homos!!’ at the couples holding hands. It is a very uneventful float.

 The Non-Discrimination Float 

This float is made up of the paper from all of the laws from all around the world that discriminate against heterosexuals. It is just people walking on the road.