SUMMER HATIN'/HAD ME A BLAST/JUST KIDDING/I HATE IT
I was born and bred in Queensland, and yet I have never been able to understand the appeal of summer. The season, not Summer Glau, the actress. Actually, I don’t really understand her appeal either, but that’s a different story. When it starts getting warm, I hear people all around me say things like “I am so glad it is hot again” and “I’m so ready for summer!” and I stare at them with the bewildered look of a child trying to understand algebra, or me, trying to understand algebra. Instead of calling these people soulless sociopaths, as is my usual plan of attack every year, I have decided instead to look further into the things that make summer what it is, in the hopes of understanding these soulless sociopaths.
Is it the sun that you enjoy? In Queensland, the summer sun is nothing short of a direct flame being held directly onto your skin by God himself, so I can understand why you love it. Because you love to feel pain, I guess. You probably just need to feel something. And of course, you can lather yourself with layers and layers of sunscreen, but it won’t be enough. What it will be enough to do is to make you sweat, a lot. If you are lucky, the sweat will run and leave tracks through your sunscreen. That must be what you like about it. You like pain sweat. But then of course even more pain comes when the sun fights its way through the pathetic and useless layers of sunscreen to burn you. Perhaps you’ll be burnt on your shoulders. Perhaps on your face. Or perhaps places you never considered, like your scalp where you part your hair, or the tops of your feet left uncovered by thongs. But we can all agree, I guess, that the redness and peeling and blistering and pain are totally greats part of summer.
Wait of course, it’s the beach! The beach is why you love summer so much. And I can see exactly why. There is just absolutely nothing better than crowding onto burning hot sand that sears your skin with each touch, along with several hundred or thousand other beach-goers. It is so nice to dive into the waves, watching out for sharp rocks and stinging animals, and cooling down for a little while. Then you get to come back out onto the burning hot sand, but this time it STICKS to you. What a treat. You go back to your towel, where your belongings have probably been stolen, and you lay in the blistering hot death sun and sweat like a pig on a roast. Perhaps you’ll end up with a tan, a slight brownness that somehow seems to be worth it for the pain and blisters and skin cancer you will probably get. You repeat this over and over again until it’s time to stand under the shower at the beach, treading where thousands of people and their bare fungus feat have tread, to rinse off. But we all know you are never really rinsed, and you get to be reminded of that shitty day at the beach as sand continues to fall out of your orifices forever.
Take away the ‘sand’ part and add in ‘ear infections’ and ‘smelling like chlorine’.
The Heat and Humidity
Maybe one of your favourite things about summer is that it is so hot and muggy that you are drained of all energy, and the very thought of venturing outdoors is enough to send you into the 5 stages of grief (minus acceptance). Either that, or you hate sleeping, and you lie in a bed that is too hot to lie on because it is made of ~not ice~ with a huge smile on your dumb sociopath face. Why do you hate to sleep? Is it that you love getting up at 2am to pour water over your head, mixing it with your warm salty tears, so you can be cool enough for two minutes to try and sleep? If you have air conditioning, is it driving up your electricity bill you enjoy, or hurting the environment? I guess the creative ideas that come to you in the moments where you can’t sleep; “What if I go sleep in the bathtub”, “I wonder if it’s cooler in my dog’s kennel” are moments you appreciate. Or you love sitting in a house that is incredibly hot and muggy, praying for relief. Then when relief comes, in the form of a city-destroying storm, you have to close all the windows. Then by the time it’s safe to open them again, it is back to being muggy, and you wonder briefly if you will actually lose your mind.
Mosquitoes and Ants
Maybe you love the impetus ants give you to clean your kitchen, because you cannot leave one tiny skerrick of food or food-like substance there, lest you walk in to scenes from an Ant-pocalypse. Or maybe you love spraying yourself with disgusting smelling insect repellent to stand outside, ensuring you only get bitten 400 times by mosquitos and are itchy for a week. If you are really lucky, some will bite you just far enough down your back that you can’t reach to scratch, or on your knuckles, or toes. I really wish all these good things for you, people who love Summer.
Summer Fruit and Ice Blocks
Literally the only good thing about summer, not enough reason to enjoy summer.
I am sorry. I have tried hard, I have thought about it, I have delved into it, and I have tried using empathy. I still reach the same conclusion. Unless you have a medical condition that the heat helps to treat, I will never understand people who not just dislike being cold, but actively LOVE SUMMER. Seek help. Or maybe it is me who needs help, and you are the smartest people on earth, destined to succeed. Help me to survive in a world with its endless godforsaken summer. I am sad and useless as soon as winter is over, and I live in a cruel world that is just growing warmer by the second. Help me, summer people. Help me become like you.