Brocklesnitch

Write. Blog. Tweet. Joke. Podcast.

The Best Misandrist Films of 2014

The Hunger Games: Mocking Jay

Katniss has been rescued and is safe in the underground bunker of District 13, which has remained secure because a woman runs it. A woman who can contest a war against President Jay and The Capitol while maintaining immaculate grey highlights. Meanwhile, Peeta has been captured and is being brainwashed into becoming a mouth-piece for The Capitol, because he is weak in both mind and body, like all men.

Katniss makes propaganda videos for the people rebelling in the districts, instructing them how best to join in the mocking of President Jay. She stokes the fires by showing them the tweets where he has explained women’s own jokes back to them.

Everyone agrees that making fun of men is great, and they all pledge to do it incessantly until Jay deactivates his twitter and collapses, allowing the uprising to be completed. In the sub-plot, Katniss forgets all about the tall guy and the short guy, and instead falls in love with Cressida, the director of the videos.  They get matching haircuts.

Dawn From Babysitter’s Club of the Planet of the Apes

A war almost breaks out between a community of genetically-evolved Apes living in San Francisco’s Muir Woods, and the few remaining human survivors of a virus pandemic, who need to access the woods. A peaceful resolution cannot be reached because one part of the Apes has evolved to exactly match that of a human male; the ego. Dawn Schafer is parachuted in because she is originally from California, as she never shuts up about. She is wearing her usual clothes that the other BSC members call California Casual, even though they just look like regular clothes. After she arrives, she firstly sees if she can babysit her way to a peaceful solution. She cannot. Then, as a last resort, Malcolm (the human leader) and Caesar (the ape leader) are locked into a room with Dawn. What happens inside that room is too graphic to show, but audio is played. For hours she lectures them about recycling and peace until they both agree to do whatever she wants, whatever anyone wants, please god just let them out of there. A truce is reached.

Snowpiercebrosnaner 

The world is suffering through a post-apocalyptic ice age, brought about by too many sequels to the animated feature Ice Age. Earth’s only survivors have been forced onto a globe-spanning supertrain. A class system is established, where background extras from Meryl Streep movies inhabit the crowded and dirty caboose of the train. In the next carriage, featured extras from Meryl Streep movies live in a slightly less dirty and crowded environment, progressing naturally with each carriage up to the front of the train, where co-stars from the most successful Meryl Streep movies live a luscious and decadent life, along with the Gummers. Not the Boy Gummer, nobody knows where he is.

Pierce Brosnan is the train driver. Frighteningly, he has lost his mind gradually and often hallucinates that he is one of his movie characters. Everything still runs smoothly while he believes he is James Bond (drinking martinis), or his character from Mrs Doubtfire (avoiding pepper), but tragedy strikes on the day he believes he is Sam from Mamma Mia! Anne Hathaway tries to stop him, but it’s too late. As Brosnan’s sick-cow sounding singing voice echoes through the train, penetrating through to the world outside, the peaks of snow in the vicinity begin to crack and mountains upon mountains of snow fall upon the train, grinding it, and humanity, to a halt.

TransformHers: Age of Extinctmen

It’s five years after the battle between Deceptivemen and Fembots that levelled Chicago. The government believes ALL robots to be a threat, and a special CIA team sets out to secretly destroy every last one. Cade Yeager, somehow a real name not made up for this, stumbles upon OptiMs Prime disguised as an old truck, and together they set out to eliminate the people hunting the robots. They also destroy the rest of men on earth just to be safe.  

Guardians of the Galsaxy

 Massive dickhead Starlord Peter Quill finds himself the object of a galaxy-wide bounty hunt after stealing a mysterious orb coveted by Ronan Keating, the leader of Boyzone. Boyzone is a planet that doesn’t allow women, and the participants of Gamergate started it in 2014. Neither of the men actually knows what the orb is for, but they still want it with all of the cells in their body because another man covets it, and it is shaped like a breast. Quill is forced into an uneasy truce to fight Ronan, along with a big guy, a raccoon guy, a tree guy, and Gamora, a woman he wants to sleep with.

Ronan and Quill fight over the orb, eventually causing it to split open. They realise too late that it contains within it every speck of female energy syphoned from any woman who has ever died. They also realise too late that the power released will cause the death of any man who is too weak to handle the strength of women. Ronan and Peter both die, along with every person on planet Boyzone. The tragedy is deemed an overall success.