Brocklesnitch

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The Princeguess Bride

Hello everyone. This post is the next in my series of ‘describing things I haven’t watched that everyone else has watched’. It is about the movie The Princess Bride. Now, I don’t exactly know why I didn’t see this when I was young. I was only five when it came out, but it seems like most people my age and younger saw it. I did miss a lot of things that my brothers wouldn’t watch, because there were many more of them to outvote/oppress me. But it also seems that this is a movie that lots of boys DID like, so it is confusing. It is possible they saw the word ‘Princess’ and ‘Bride’ and immediately decided that watching it would make them gay. Who knows. What I do know is that I haven’t ever watched The Princess Bride. But just by living my life and interacting with other humans, I have picked up what I think are some vague elements of the movie. I will explain them below. Please never send me corrections about any of these things, but do send me gifts and compliments.

Fred Savage

As a fan of the Wonder Years, I somehow know that Fred Savage is in this movie. But, he must have only been a kid. I WONDER FOR YEARS what character he plays. Just kidding, this is the first time I’ve given it a second thought. I dunno, I guess he plays a kid? Maybe the narrative is a kid reading a book, and this is the book? That feels like it is hitting something in the deepest recesses of my vague memories. Unless I’m getting it confused with The NeverEnding Story aka the movie that fucked me up for a long time because they MADE A HORSE DROWN IN THE SWAMP OF SADNESS AND I HAD TO WATCH IT AND I LOVED HORSIES. Anyway, Fred Savage is in this, I had a crush on Winnie Cooper when I was 8, and I don’t know if any horses die in a swamp in this movie.

Robin Wright 

Robin Wright plays the titular Princess Bride, I guess. I don’t know why she is called a ‘Princess’ AND a ‘Bride’ I mean unless she was born into royalty, which I don’t think she was, she is obviously a bride as well. It’s a bit redundant. She is young and stereotypically Princess pretty, and I feel like she has the same name as a cow might. Bessie? Bertha? Something like that. No offense to any cows reading, I’m sure you all have non-stereotypicowl names. Anyway, I think she gets kidnapped or something. Is this the story of Princess Peach? I guess I’ll never know.

Carey Ewles 

I don’t know if that’s how you spell his name. I think he plays the love interest of Princess Peach. Is he the Prince? That would make sense. I know he’s blonde and very handsome as well, and I have an image of them looking at each other in some kind of field. Also during the movie I think he is doing Movember. No wait, maybe I think that he isn’t The Prince because there is other conflict and another dude I remember. So maybe she marries a Prince (not THE Prince sadly), but she really loves this guy? Maybe he’s an outlaw or something. Anyway, I’m sure they end up together in the end, and the Prince turns out to be a bad guy or something like that so that we don’t feel bad for him and want Carey Ewles and Robin Wright to be together.

Andre the Giant

Andre the Giant is in this. I don’t think I know what he looks like, but I imagine he plays a big guy who does big guy stuff. Unless it’s an Aussie nickname and he’s called that because he’s tiny. I have no idea what he does. Giant stuff.

Inigo Montoya 

Okay so this guy is Saul from Homeland. He is also doing Movember. Is he a pirate? At some point he finds the person (I don’t know who) that killed his father and says “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die”. Personally I think it’s pretty dumb to give your enemy such a clear warning and also TIME TO PREPARE, but maybe that’s just me. I am pretty sure he does kill the person who killed his father, and I’m sure murdering someone really set his mind at ease forever and he never had any trouble sleeping.

The Plot

I am struggling with this edition of things I haven’t seen, because after I started thinking about it I realised I have no idea what the plot of this movie is. In my mind it is kind of a mix between Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and Pirates of the Caribbean (however I have also not seen either of those), so I could be very wrong. Okay. I think someone is reading Fred Savage a book about this story. The Princess is married to a bad Prince guy. She gets kidnapped by someone. Carey Ewles saves her. Saul gets revenge. The Prince and the Ewles run away together. That is what I believe The Princess Bride to be, and I don’t know even (want to) know the slightest detail more about it.

And they all lived happily ever after.