Brocklesnitch

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Game of Owns

The second season of Game of Thrones starts tonight, and i still haven't watched any of it. Unfortunately some people assume it is because you are trying to be cool or different, but in all honesty i am just an adult lady who knows what i like & don't like, and that it isn't for me. And that's FINE. But i thought it would be a good time to revisit the time i wrote down everything i knew about Game of Thrones without having watched a single second or read any of the books. If I get things wrong please don’t…dragon me? Whatever they do on that show. This is all in good fun and i am so glad everyone gets such enjoyment from this show, if you need me i will be watching Veep and then terrible poor-quality reality shows that i love for some reason. 

BASIC PLOT

I have no idea really, i assume it's about getting into power. There are a bunch of families and Kings and Queens and watching the show is basically a memory exercise to see if you can remember who is who. They kill each other a lot and the ‘Game of Thrones’ is basically musical chairs played with the throne of power?  It sounds pretty fun. People have tried to convince me to watch by telling me there are a lot of naked breasts, and I have to remind them that I am not a pervert but also the internet has a lot of those and I can look at them without also having to see a hairy man having sex with his sister.

JOFFREY

Joffrey has a dumb name. Also he is like the Slytherin of the group, he is all weird and pasty and evil? He does some really bad shit I don’t know, but apparently people on the street in real life accost him angrily because people are idiots. I don’t know if he’s still alive, but I guess everyone wants him to be dead. What a life for poor Joffrey.

LENA HEADEY

I think her name is…C…something? Lena Headey is wonderful, and has long hair and is beautiful in this. I think she might play Joffrey’s mother or sister? I think she’s probably a bad person, but who fucking knows. I just wanted to include this to tell you to watch Imagine Me and You, an English movie where she falls in love with Piper Perabo and makes me very happy aka pushing my lesbian agenda.

KHALEESI

Khaleesi has really long white-blonde hair and looks kind of like a human unicorn, but GoT doesn’t have unicorns (I don’t think). She seems to be really awesome and is a Dragon Whisperer or some shit. She’s either good with dragons, or is actually a dragon or something. Definitely dragons are involved. She seems like the most relevant to my interest character.

LILY ALLEN’S BROTHER

Lily Allen has a song called Alfie about her brother and I know her brother is in this, so I assume Alfie Allen is in this. Oh, something Greyjoy is his name? I think he’s a good guy, and he also might have been killed already. He looks like a young Michael Shannon. Is he Joffrey’s brother? Oh who knows, there are too many people in this. Also, i think he is probably dead by now?

MORDOR

Wait, Mordor might be Lord of the Rings. But Sean Bean is in both? STOP DOING SO MANY MEMES I AM CONFUSED.

PETER DINKLAGE

Okay, he plays someone called Tyron? Tyrion? Try-on? He is handsome and I think he’s a great actor, so he is the other relevant to my interests character. I don’t really know what Tyrion gets up to around the place. I think he is a good guy who fights again Joffrey.  However I do know that he can get it.

JON SNOW

He knows nothing! He is like me! What he knows nothing about, I’m not sure. I have seen a picture of him, he is bearded and in…snow, so that’s a bit too literal for my tastes. I have an image of him basically wearing a bear fur and performing oral sex on a naked woman with snow in his beard, so that could have happened or just be something I thought of earlier. But it seems unlikely that my imagination would put a bearded dude in there and not Khaleesi, so I don’t know. Also I’m pretty sure the snow in the beard trick is something he read in Cosmo.

WINTER IS COMING

This is a popular catchphrase used in memes. I guess some guy says it and it is probable literal in that winter is coming and that can cause problems like their horses would ice over in the morning, and also it’s probably a figurative way to say that some bad stuff is going to happen. All I know is that my “Wintour is coming – Anna Wintour having sex” tweet did pretty well, so thanks Guy of Thrones.

RED WEDDING

Okay, this caused so so so so many tweets by people. I think I saw the same jokes ten thousand times, it really made me want to go all Joffrey on everyone am I right? Because that would be bad? In any case, I’m pretty sure this was like Four Weddings: Game of Thrones and someone hated the people getting married and were like ‘I object! By killing you and your family and children and puppies’ and it was a trap and a bunch of people got dead. Sad. I bet they didn’t get the deposit back on the hall or tuxedos.

 

I believe that sums up everything I know about Game of Thrones. I understand there are approximately one billion more characters and things. But I am glad it brings you so much joy, please don’t contact me to correct my mistakes, only contact me to give me cash or compliments or cakes. And enjoy season 2, won't you.