Brocklesnitch

Write. Blog. Tweet. Joke. Podcast.

Queensdamned

Hello interstate friends!! I have reactivated my old blog to write a very quick but important post about current events and politics happening in Queensland.  First let me just get this totally random point out into the ether - i am a LOT of fun to have around a house.

Oh, on a completely different topic – did you guys know that the Queensland state election is coming up this weekend?  Did you also know that the LNP are essentially going to wipe out the ALP? And that Campbell Newman, a hateful, spiteful excuse for a human is going to be the Premier of my lovely state?  Here is Antony Green’s (shout-out Antony, you dirty dawg) analysis if you need proof. WHY DON’T YOU EVER JUST TRUST ME? GOD! http://bit.ly/xNsGf3

So all of this setup is just to inform you all that I will soon need somewhere to live that isn’t in QLD.  Here are some things to convince you to let me come and live with YOU, the lucky viewer.  I realise that there will probably be a lot of you clamouring to get me, so I’ll come up with sort of Hunger Games scenario where you fight to the death or offer me perks or something.  Don’t worry your pretty head about it. 

POINTS OF IMPORTANCE

1.     I am a lesbian. If you are a straight lady this means I will not hit on your boyfriend. Only on you, possibly. But not in a weird way. (See point 4)
2.     After never having a proper career or stable job, I am very, VERY good at making coffee.
3.      I have impeccable taste in television. In addition to this, I know that you should love what I love, and I’m willing to talk at you for literally HOURS about this until you acquiesce and do what I want (this can also apply to any and all other topics that exist in life).
4.     I have impeccable taste in tequila, and I mostly always know when to stop drinking before I vomit. Mostly.
5.     I have 500 or so followers on twitter. I will get them to follow you. Chances are you have 3 to 50 times more than that already, but it’s the thought that counts. Oh, and they also probably won’t follow you.
6.     I can bake. I am the opposite of Nigella. However, I DO go ‘Gordon Ramsay crossed with the Hulk’ mad if I don’t do things perfectly, but I think we can all agree smashing shit is fun. Also cleaning up shattered glass is fun!!!!!
7.     I was born & raised in Queensland.  This means that at State of Origin time, you will have at least one winner living in your house (this point is for a very select group of people).
8.     I have size 11 feet. So if you also have giant man feet, you can feel free to borrow from my five pairs of shoes. I hope you like men’s shoes from Rivers or Target thongs!!!!!!!!!
9.     I COME WITH A PRE-MADE CAT. SHE IS ALSO THE BEST CAT IN THE WORLD.
10.  I spend a lot of time hanging out with my cat, so I won’t bother you and your stupid no-cat or inferior cat.
11.  I won’t have a job, so this will give you the opportunity to find me one and won’t that make you feel good about yourself?
12.  Related to the above point, I won’t have any money.  But most self-made millionaires come from having no money.  Please see Jewel’s ‘A Night Without Armor: Poems’.

There is really no limit to the amount of awesome things that I could list, but I think twelve points is probably enough for you to make a decision.  Make sure it’s the right one.  By this I mean, pick me pick me pick me. PLEASE.  I can’t be held responsible for my actions (it involves the foetal position and crying) if I have to live here under the LNP.  Also, I’ve started writing one of these for international friends if Tony Abbott becomes Prime Minister, and I’ll take you with me.