Brocklesnitch

Write. Blog. Tweet. Joke. Podcast.

The 5th Wave....of Feminism

A new movie called The 5th Wave starring Chloe Moretz has just been released. To help you decide if you wish to see it or not, i have done a breakdown of the trailer for you below. You are welcome. 

This is a nice traditional family. A mum, a dad, a boy, and a girl. But all is not as it seems. Look at the dad. Why is he leaving his beautiful family? I am apprehensive. 

Screen Shot 2016-01-18 at 4.34.11 PM.png

This is the mother, driving away. Without the children in the car. Why isn't she staying at home? Something isn't right.

There is also something wrong in this classroom. Look closely, and you will see. That's right, this is a co-ed school. How are these young men meant to learn with girls nearby? Why is this happening to them? What kind of movie is this??

A mysterious object in the atmosphere. Could it be toros? No, it is too big for that. Whatever it is...Bring it On.

Look how terrified they are. They can feel something coming. Something bad. Could it be...equal pay for equal work? Reproductive rights? Surely not, surely no movie could go that far.

The entire family runs out of the house to see what is outside. The mother is obviously in a costume, dressed as a surgeon. Women can't be surgeons. Why would she be the only one in a costume? It's not halloween. I have goosebumps..

Oh my fucking god. The world is doomed. The mysterious object is a spaceship full of

FIFTH WAVE FEMINISTS!

THE FIRST THING THE FEMINISTS DO IS MAKE MEN BE SECRETARIES!!!!!!! THIS DYSTOPIAN FUTURE HAS GONE TOO FAR

Screen Shot 2016-01-18 at 4.42.01 PM.png

Thank god. A real man is here. He is immune to feminism!!! 

He joins the rest of the immune men in the Pentagon. Most men have been destroyed. They are Pentagone. They realise they are defeated.

Fifth-wave feminists refuse to use tampons. They destroy the world's supplies. Menstrual blood comes in waves. 

The combined force of men's tears from all over the world start to destroy building

The feminists start to brainwash young girls, hooking them up to a machine that tells them they are 'equal' and should 'have respect'. Absolutely bone-chilling.

Men are emasculated, forced to wear effeminate glasses. 

With no men to drive the cars, the roads are chaos. 

Even Zooey Deschanel starts attacking men

The lesbians start to grow facial hair

At the end, there is one lone Pick Up Artist left. He attempts to stare down the feminists. 

He surrenders when they torture him by stealing the tips of his gloves. He knows what is next. 

He doesn't get a trigger warning. 

This movie is a documentary about what will happen if we allow feminism to continue. If it is allowed to reach a 5th Wave. It is a warning. Society will be doomed. See this movie, and act. Join your local MRA group. Complain on the internet. Help us. 

*crickets*

What a glorious couple of days it has been for women in Australia. It’s as if just before the stroke of midnight on the last day of 2015, the entire country held its breath and made a New Years resolution for 2016 to somehow become more sexist. The first few days of the year were taken by Jamie Briggs and Peter Dutton, both doing their best to ensure the year was kicked off in sexist style. Last night in in a very public way, cricketer Chris Gayle took the torch from them and ran with it. After a post-dismissal interview, meant to be about the game he was playing in, the Melbourne Renegades cricket player made inappropriate comments to Channel 10 sports journalist Mel McLaughlin, telling her that her eyes were beautiful, asking her out for a drink, and telling her “don’t blush baby”. Welcome to the New Year, ladies.

This exchange set of a storm of discussion on social media. There were those of us who found the exchange unacceptable and maddening, and there were those who were there to tell us why we were wrong. There was explanations like ‘He’s a big personality’, ‘wouldn’t you have a crack if you met Mel?’ ‘Gosh, can’t men hit on women anymore?’ and ‘She just needs to loosen up’. But most of the reasons revolved around the idea that it was ‘just a joke’ or ‘friendly banter’. There are a couple of things to note when watching that video. The first is the laughter coming from the male commentary team during the exchange.

The second is Mel McLaughlin’s face and body language throughout. It is hard for me to see how you can watch that incident and see it as anything but a woman being put into a very awkward and uncomfortable position by a man. It wasn’t workplace flirting, or friendly banter between two people. If you think ‘banter’ is a woman being made uncomfortable by a man’s advances at an inappropriate time, then I am sorry for any woman you come into contact with. It was not banter, it was not funny, and it was not a compliment. It was inappropriate and demeaning comments made to a woman simply trying to do her job.

Many people commented on how well and professionally McLaughlin handled the situation, as if that makes it okay in some way. It doesn’t. All that does is speak to how unfair it is that someone so professional and good at their job is put into that position, and it also speaks to how women who have jobs in male-dominated fields have to become experts in dealing with men acting inappropriately toward them. Additionally, this is saying that ‘acting professionally’ is to just accept what is happening and ignore it and move on. Women in this situation have the option to ‘act professionally’ whereby people will then claim that it’s not a big deal because they didn’t get upset; or they have to ‘act unprofessionally’ which is to call it out or make a scene – a reaction that would get them labeled a troublemaker, or an uptight bitch who can’t take a joke.

Women working in sports already have to work twice as hard as men to be taken seriously, they already have to deal with sports fans who hate that a woman dare be involved in their sport, and they have to prove themselves over and over again to many people who will never accept them. On top of this, their looks and attractiveness are a constant source of discussion. It is a way for men to take away their power, to belittle them, to ignore their professionalism, and to make sure they know that no matter how hard they work or how knowledgeable they are, they will never be fully accepted because they aren’t a man.

What Gayle did last night was to multiply that by a million. He is a professional cricketer who made it clear he did not respect a female sports journalist, on live television. He made it clear that the only important thing about her was that she was attractive. He ignored her questions about the game, he ignored the fact she was doing her job, and he lit a match under the many cricket fans watching that already have a problem respecting women. 

Women in any industry should be able to go to work without having to wonder if they will be made to feel uncomfortable by a man that day. If you are someone who will never have this kind of thing happen to you, if you are a man who cannot possibly understand what those moments are like, if you someone who is not treated differently because of your gender, if you do not hear sexist comments every day of your working life: you do not get to tell Mel McLaughlin how she should react. You do not get to say that she shouldn’t be angry and upset, as she reportedly was. You do not get to decide it’s a joke; you do not get to decide that this kind of insidious and prevalent sexism that happens to women constantly has done no harm.

And you certainly do not get to tell the rest of us how we should feel about it. 

Ministerrrrr what

Last night I watched a bit of discussion on The Project about the Gayby Baby controversy that happened yesterday. I only watched a bit of it because I became too furious and had to turn off my television lest I toss it out the nearest window. The Project was interviewing a man named Mark Powell who was quoted in several of the news stories about the story as a ‘local Presbyterian minister’. Here follows a breakdown of the part I caught (me in italics hello):

Ray Martin: What are your objections to the film being shown to high school kids?

Mark Powell: Mate, it’s not so much the objections Ray.

First of all Mark, don’t call Ray Martin ‘mate’. So presumptuous, have a bit of respect. That is Ray bloody Martin. 

This is the victimization and the intimidation of young vulnerable people in our schools.

Oh. Is it? The victimization and intimidation of young vulnerable people? Really? Is it though Mark? Break this down for me, mate. These young vulnerable (presumably) heterosexual girls who are part of the majority are being ‘victimised’ and ‘intimidated’ because why? Because they are choosing not to participate in pro-LGBTIQ activities? They don’t want tolerance and equality taught? They don’t want to wear purple?

Are they being bullied? Are they being bashed? Are slurs being thrown at them? Are they kicked out of home? Are they homeless? Are they more likely to be depressed, far more likely to commit suicide?

If only queer kids could understand what it’s like for those poor girls to feel maltreated or intimidated. But no, you’re right. The girls who don’t want to participate in activities to support LGBTIQ kids are the real victims.  

So you see, what it is, is that this is part of a larger initiative by a gay lobby called the Safe Schools Coalition. And it sounds innocuous, but they actually have an agenda to push political issues in our schools.

Oh it’s the GAY AGENDA!!! I see now, I see what’s happening. You are so right. Good investigation skills Mr Powell. The Safe Schools Coalition wants to push political issues in schools, by showing a movie about loving families that exist in Australia and their community. Yeah, that is bad. I agree that a political agenda should not be pushed in schools.

I assume that’s why you also protested and spoke to media and made a huge fuss when Julie Bishop visited Burwood High four days before the planned screening of the film to speak to students? Or is that not political? I mean, she is literally a politician, talking to the students, but maybe I’m wrong.   

This is the really thing, we’ve got all these girls in tears coming to us and saying they feel victimised, like if they don’t participate in this, they’re basically ostracised from their peers, and even from some of their teachers at the school.

I just want to apologise here for leaving in where you said ‘this is the really thing’, I did go back and listen twice just to make sure you did say it, and you did. And it would be nice of me to take it out, but I don’t feel like being nice just now. Plus it’s funny to read. Sorry mate.

I am sorry if you do have ‘girls in tears’ coming to you and saying they feel victimised. I mean, I don’t really believe you, but if it’s true I can say that I don’t want any girl to be sad and feeling bad. But you are literally talking about girls who for whatever reason are out of step with the social progression of their peers. They aren’t being included because they aren’t being inclusive.  

You say they feel like if they don’t participate in ‘this’ (being tolerant I guess?), they are ostracised from their peers and teachers. But it sounds to me like they are ostracising themselves. It’s 2015, and most of the students and teachers at that school think that LGBTQI students should be accepted, and safe, and supported. That’s just the way it is, and that attitude will continue to spread as this generation grows up and takes the reins from homophobic old people. It’s just a fact. This is not religious people being persecuted for their belief. It's just that the crying girls will continue to feel different from the majority of their peers, because the majority of their peers are progressive and accepting and filled with love.

I’m sorry, but it will ALWAYS be more important to me that vulnerable queer kids are protected over kids who don’t want equality, or don’t want to participate in LGBTIQ-supportive events. It’s not even a fair fight. One is a group that has been marginalised, oppressed, attacked, bullied, and killed for their sexuality. The other is a group that doesn’t believe that first group should have equality, and feels different from the rest of their peers who do. I mean, come on. 

This tact used by anti-equality people to co-opt language used to describe the queer community is truly abhorrent. You are not the victims in this situation. You are just being left behind, frankly where you belong.

Carrie: Mark, how many girls have come to you? How many parents have come to you?

Mark: Look Carrie, there’s been heaps.

Rightio Mark. I’m sure.

Carrie: How many is heaps Mark? Is heaps three or is heaps a hundred?

Great question Carrie

Mark: Well heaps in terms of more than students in Burwood Girls who actually identify with being gay.

THIS DOESN’T ANSWER THE QUESTION! ALSO THERE IS NO WAY YOU COULD KNOW WHO IDENTIFIES AS GAY AT THAT SCHOOL, YOU ARE A MINISTER NOT A PSYCHIC! ALSO GET THIS MR POWELL, SOMETIMES KIDS DON’T COME OUT OR FEEL COMFORTABLE BEING OPEN, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY FOSTERING A SUPPORTIVE ATMOSPHERE IS IMPORTANT.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR INPUT, GOODBYE GET OUT OF MY SIGHT

 

 

donts & dos

don’t become fat/don’t wear clothes that draw attention to your body/don’t draw attention to your body any other way/don’t be loud/don’t be silly/don’t be confident/don’t eat in public/don’t eat too much anywhere/don’t eat too little/don’t eat/don’t complain that shops don’t have clothes for you/don’t wear ugly clothes/don’t make a fuss/don’t sweat/don’t look like you are sweating/don’t look like you are straining/don’t smell bad/don’t exercise in public/don’t look dishevelled/don’t sit down on the bus/don’t take up too much space/don’t take up any space/don’t react when that stranger looks disgusted at you/don’t make eye contact/don’t react when that guy behind you calls you a fat bitch/don’t react/don’t expect anyone to fuck you unless they are desperate/don’t love your body/don’t love your thighs/don’t love your mind/don’t feel sexy/don’t think that you deserve respect/don’t think you deserve to be treated like a human/don’t love yourself/don’t be fat

do be fat/do ignore those thoughts/do stand up for yourself/do take the space you are owed/do dress how you want/do get attention if you desire it/do embrace yourself/do fuck people who love your body/do love your own body/do love yourself/do use your body/do demand respect/do whatever the fuck you want

shared.

It’s different now, watching other people find out the news that someone they know has died. It’s not just a phone call or visit to those you are closest to, the tangible grief in their eyes or voice as they take in what has happened. Now you can almost map the trail of sorrow as the news spreads across to people you are connected with in different ways. You can see when it hits those who tweet a simple expression of disbelief, ‘no’. You can see it when someone presses enter on a heartbroken Facebook status.

Remembrance of those who have left is not just looking at photographs or letters. It no longer means opening boxes and holding memories in your hands. It’s looking back through his twitter account. It's almost crying when you read his tweet about being excited for the Wet Hot American Summer TV show, and knowing he died before it came out. It’s feeling guilty that you didn’t reply to his last tweet about something silly you both liked. He still follows you, and you follow him, and that feels bizarre. It makes it feel like he is still out there somewhere.

Now memories are the Gchat messages and DMs from lost loved ones you didn’t think were important, but will save forever. It's opening a Facebook group where they were a moderator, their face and words still at the top of the page in a pinned post. It’s watching as people leave messages on the walls of people who will never read them. It’s getting notifications that they have been tagged in new photos, and it’s forgetting for a moment. It’s their faces popping up constantly as more and more people move to share their anguish.

Having a community of people out there to help hold your pain and to offer support can’t completely replace the catharsis of being in someone’s arms as you discuss your loss through tears. It’s different, but it’s still important. It’s still feeling solidarity. It’s important to know that you can lean on people, even if they can’t be there to actually physically take your weight. The last couple of weeks have made me so grateful for all the avenues of expression and support we have for outpouring of grief. And it’s made me so grateful to have known the kind of people who inspire such an outpouring.  

 

IS IT FEMINIST?

THIS KIND OF FROG

THE KIND OF FROG IS OFTEN FOUND ON WINDOW SILLS OR INSIDE HOUSES, FEASTING UPON THE INSECTS DRAWN IN BY THE LIGHT. THIS KIND OF FROG IS FEMINIST.

 

THIS CHOCOLATE BIRTHDAY CAKE

brithday.jpg

THIS CHOCOLATE BIRTHDAY CAKE ENCOURAGES WOMEN TO SURVIVE ANOTHER YEAR IN ORDER TO BE CONSUMED ON THEIR BIRTHDAY. WOMEN LIVING AND EATING CAKE. THIS CHOCOLATE BIRTHDAY CAKE IS FEMINIST.

 

THIS HEADPHONES

THIS HEADPHONES GO AROUND A WOMAN'S HEAD ALLOWING HER NOT ONLY TO LISTEN TO AUDIO BUT ALSO NOT TO HEAR AUDIO FROM THE WORLD AROUND HER. THIS HEADPHONES IS FEMINIST. 

 

THIS SOFA

THIS SOFA ALLOWS WOMEN TO SIT DOWN OR LIE DOWN. IT ALSO ALLOWS HER TO HAVE OTHER WOMEN IN HER HOUSE TO SIT DOWN OR LIE DOWN. THIS SOFA IS FEMINIST. 

 

THIS TOE RING

THIS TOE RING HELPS A WOMAN FEEL MORE CONFIDENT ABOUT HER TOES BY ENSURING THEY AREN'T NAKED. A WOMAN'S TOES CAN FEEL PRETTY AND BE BEJEWELLED IF SHE WANTS. THIS TOE RING IS FEMINIST. 

 

STOP SIGN

THIS STOP SIGN IS ALMOST NOT FEMINIST BECAUSE IT TELLS WOMEN TO STOP. BUT THIS STOP SIGN WILL ALSO STOP CARS SMASHING INTO EACH OTHER AND SOME OF THOSE WILL CONTAIN WOMEN. THIS STOP SIGN IS FEMINIST.

Lunch With Nanna

Going out to lunch with my nanna is what you might call ‘an experience’. The first issue arises before the lunch even happens. She will complain to her children that none of her grandchildren have spent time with her recently. That will invariably filter down to us all, as it is specifically designed to do, perfected over generations of familial guilt manipulation. Then, when you call to organise a date, you will spend half an hour on the phone as she runs through her packed schedule for the week. There’s the social clubs, the appointments, the trips, the visitors. Sometimes she won’t be able to fit you in for two weeks at a time. She’ll then protest that nobody has taken her out.

The next event in the lunch saga is that no matter what time we decide on to meet, she will undoubtedly be early. We consistently choose 12:30pm to meet, but I know each time that she will be there waiting by 12pm doing whatever those who don’t use smart phones do. Judging everyone who passes by or something. The arriving early is never really inconvenient for me, because I have inherited this trait of hers, and am also always early to everything.  Besides, the extra time comes in handy if she needs to get money out for lunch. Like an old person who declines to move with the times, or Mel Gibson in Conspiracy Theory, she refuses to use ATMs, instead taking me into the bank to wait in line. This reinforces my willingness to pay for her meal, making me think it’s some kind of covert Nanna-ploy.

 Next is the joy of actually deciding where to eat. This woman is essentially the most Caucasian person in Australia, and is suspicious of this so-called ‘flavour’ fad. It was not that long ago that I asked if she wanted to get a burrito, and she had not heard of a burrito. When I explained it to her, she proclaimed that it would be too spicy, no matter how many times I informed her you could get non-spicy versions and children eat them. We ended up getting scones and tea. This satisfied her, although the tea came out with a little hourglass timer, advising how long you should let your tea steep. She did not appreciate being told what to do by a timer, so ignored the instructions.

If I take Nanna anywhere to get a bigger lunch than scones, I have to be prepared for her most embarrassing (yet hilarious) quality. She seems to be under the impression that menus in restaurants are optional. They are just suggestions, and everyone is free to order things that aren’t listed. She never wants what the place is offering. She decides what she feels like eating, and asks for it. Half of the time this works, because what she usually wants is a ham, cheese and tomato toasted sandwich. “Why don’t you just go to a place that sells toasted sandwiches?” you are probably asking, and I don’t have an answer for you. Maybe she enjoys the thrill of the chase, the power of sending scared wait staff scuttling. 

I saw my Nanna today, and brought this up. My Aunt told us that she has been doing this since they were kids, ordering McDonalds staff to make her a cheeseburger without cheese or sauce. I told them about the new thing at McDonalds where you can build your own burger, and Nanna said that it was probably because of her, and she deserves some of the riches. Maybe she’s right.

 Before, during, and after lunch, Nanna and I argue. She's an old-fashioned conservative who doesn't even use ATMs. We are in opposition on almost every issue (except that we love each other). We fight about politics, and social issues, and I think she is wrong on almost every single thing. It can be frustrating, but I know that she loves our debates. She thrives on pushing my buttons. Recently as I was walking her to the bus, we passed office workers smoking on the street.

 “Tsk,” she said. “Poor things. Why should they have to go all the way downstairs and out of the buildings just to have a smoke?”

She doesn’t smoke. 

This immediately prompted another one of our famous arguments, as we walked smiling, arm-in-arm.

Maybe I secretly love our debates too.

 

 

Science and Facts

If you are like me, you probably went to high school. Or perhaps you are still in high school, there’s no judgement here Billy Madison. In my mind, high school is best described as 40% learning things, and 60% being awkward in different school-related locations. I’m sure it wasn’t like this for everyone, but one of the places that bumped that number up closer to 100% awkward and 0% learning for everyone was in the room where the school would attempt to teach you sex education. Back in my day, as a young closeted lesbian, I hated these classes. I would be riding my horse and buggie to my public school, avoiding bushrangers and dinosaurs, and feeling a sick sense of dread at how abnormal I knew I was about to be made to feel. I would sit and scribble on my book covered with pictures of Scott Wolf and Will Smith (the celebrities I used as crush cover), and do my best to ignore everything the teacher was saying about normative heterosexual sex that you should only do after marriage and that any other kind of sex would result in parts of your body falling off.

But luckily for kids THESE days, common sense, compassion and reality are completely in charge. During a weekly youth program run by a Melbourne Pentecostal megachurch, students attending a public high school were recently given a booklet called ‘Science & Facts’.  This is great news. As we all know, when given a pamphlet from a megachurch entitled ‘Science & Facts’, you better strap yourself in for some solid, proven, researched, peer-reviewed Science And Facts.

The first bit of science and facts that was heaps fact-y informed the young minds that “girls are needier than guys in a relationship and always want to be close".

First, I am glad that this is making it clear that relationships are always between a girl and a guy. That is important to set out in case there are any queer teenagers reading, it will help them feel great about themselves and very normal. Secondly, why even broach that topic?  Why are you including that hacky bullshit sentence in literature to kids? Who wrote this, Tim the Toolman Taylor? Haven't you seen How I Met Your Mother? Women being the needy ones is a myth now.

But don’t worry everyone. These facts were quickly followed up by some very excellent science.

"If a woman becomes physically close and hugs a guy for 20 seconds it will trigger the bonding process, creating a greater desire to be near him. Then if the guy wants to take the relationship further it will become harder for her to say no," the booklet said. 

There is literally so much garbage in this one sentence that I am completely impressed and I think maybe now I believe in heaven. It’s so specific! What if you hug your dad? What if you hug a guy for 19 seconds? That’s the trick isn’t it, ladies. If you want to be close to a guy, but you don’t want to create a bond that means you HAVE to fuck him, just get close for 19.9 seconds at a time. It’s kind of like Speed but instead of the bus blowing up you are accidentally bonded to a man and won’t be able to say no to him.

Bonus points are to be given here for placing all of the onus and responsibility onto the teenage girls who are reading the pamphlet. Teenage girls, remember, do not hug boys for more than 20 seconds. If you do, you will have the desire to be close to him. If that happens, you will biologically not be able to say no to him and you’ll have to have sex. And if that awful thing happens, it is all because you hugged him that one time. Good one, idiot. 

It warned that having too many relationships could break "this special chemical bond" and harm a woman's capacity to form future relationships. 

Oh well here is where we get into the truth of the matter. They really wanted to write “We want to scare you into not being having sex and the way we will do this is by convincing you that if you do have sex with anyone you aren’t married to you will be alone forever and nobody will want you because women who have sex when they want are sluts and that's the worst, it’s fine for guys though”.

"Having multiple sex partners is almost like tape that loses its stickiness after being applied and removed multiple times. So the more you have the harder it is to bond to the next," it said.

In this Very Science Much Facts part, they are literally saying that women who have a sex life are like used up sticky tape. Which to be fair is actually true. Every Christmas I always forget to buy new sticky tape and I try to use sexually active women to wrap my gifts, and it just never works.

It’s not just sticky tape though; lots of office supplies are analogous to sex-having women.

The Stapler: Having multiple sex partners is almost like being a stapler. You only have a certain amount of staples (sex turns) and if you use up all the staples (sex turns), there will be none left to find a husband and staple him into marriage.

Office Chair:  Having multiple sex partners is almost like being an office chair. There are only so many times different men can sit in an office chair before it eventually breaks and you have to be put out on the street for garbage collection.

Fax Machine: Having multiple sex partners is almost like being a Fax Machine. You can only Fax so many men before you are used up and worn out and nobody in the office wants to Fax You any more.

So I hope that you have learned something here today about Science. And Facts. Personally I am incredibly glad that the church is combining with our public schools to do important work. To ensure that Australia’s teenagers are taught that queer people don’t exist. To let them know that women shouldn’t have sex because it will make them disgusting, but men should because it will make them great. What else is more important and integral to Australian society? What else is there that churches could be spending resources on? Refugees? Homeless queer or trans teenagers who have been kicked out of home because of intolerant families? Ludicrous. Nope, this is exactly what Jesus would have wanted, congrats.

Personally I have no desire at all to hug and bond and sex a man, so I am a perfect fit. Now, where is my closest incredibly wealthy megachurch and will I get to meet Justin Bieber?

 

(All info about the pamphlet came from this article on it: http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/christian-sex-education-program-at-fairhills-high-school-tells-schoolgirls-that-too-much-sex-will-break-their-chemical-bond-20150702-gi3o7g.html)

 

LGBTQIA: One. Fred: Nil

Last night, while watching QandGay, there was a moment where i felt my future career come crashing down around my ears. It was the moment that the Reverend Fred Nile explained to the audience that 'promoting homosexuality' in schools is actually dangerous. It shocked me to my very core. You see, ever since i officially became A Gay, i had planned to one day start my very own Homosexual Promotion company, specifically to target high school aged children. I had even gone so far to imagine the life of luxury i would one day be living. A life full of bubble baths, bath bombs, soap, and other luxurious things. And it would all be because, as everyone knows, turning people gay is so lucrative. But it wouldn't have all been about money for me. It couldn't be. 

As a child, as soon as I received that letter stating that I had been accepted into Hogwarts, i mean Homosexuality, i knew that one of my main tasks ahead would be to learn how to promote sexuality, and how to turn as many people queer as possible. It would bring with it a deep and satisfying emotional satisfaction knowing that i had the power to lead people away from a life of heterosexuality. A chance to save so many. And i was on my way. But now, i had heard Fred's wise words. Below are some of the things he said in response to a question about how to address bigotry and violence towards homosexuals in schools. He is in bold, my response to him is in italics.

"My observation is that teenagers are going through sexual development. And it can be quite dangerous, i think, to promote homosexuality in schools"

Please tell us more about your observations, Mr Nile. What else have you observed about teenagers, as you disguise yourself as a pot plant in the corner of our nation's classrooms? As you dress as a nun and integrate yourself into a school, like in your favourite movie Sister Act 2? Did you know that it is only rated 7% on Rotten Tomatoes, how can you believe in a God that would allow that travesty to happen? 

I think you are confused about the phrase 'promoting homosexuality' . Simply teaching kids about the existence of homosexual people or transgender people is not 'promoting' it. Making them aware that some people they know and will meet in life will not all be like them is not 'promoting' it. What it WILL promote is the idea that those people should just be treated like anyone else. What it WILL promote is a feeling of acceptance in those kids sitting there who do feel different. I knew literally zero gay people when i was young. It wasn't a subject that was ever discussed, except maybe in negative terms. I had no representation of it to learn from, i had nobody teaching me about its existence. I had no sex education covering non-heterosexual sex. And yet, when i was around twelve, i knew i was different in that way. I had no vocabulary to even explain it. The only thing 'promoting homosexuality' would have done was to make me feel okay about myself, and make my life less painful to live. 

"Boys often, as they're going through ... puberty, don't want to be with girls. They want to be with boys and that's how God planned it," 

Written down, this sentence really sounds like you are saying all boys going through puberty are gay. Which, let's be honest, would be far more ideal than the current situation. Perhaps there would be less Lynx Body Spray on buses. But i know that's not what you meant, so let's continue.

"If you get hold of that boy at that stage when he's only 14 or 15 and say 'do you like to be with girls?' [and he responds] 'yuck, I can't stand girls', [the implication is] 'well, you're really a homosexual'.

First of all, i think you might be mixing up 10 year olds with 15 year olds. I don't know many 15 year old boys who are still in the stage where they think girls are yucky and are worried about germs. There are probably lots of 15 year old boys have already discovered what kind of porn they like best. 

Secondly, who are these people replying 'well you must be a homosexual' to boys who say that girls are yucky? What kind of schools are you hiding in Fredrick. 

"[The boy might ask] 'Am I?' [and would be told] 'yes, yes'.

So in this scenario that Fred envisions, a teenage boy has said 'girls suck' and someone, Possibly A Homosexual Promoter, has replied 'well you are probably gay then' and the boy says 'am i?' and the Homosexual Promoter says 'Yes' and the boy says 'okay then, i guess that's right. Where is my ipod full of Cher songs'. 

I honestly can't think of a more realistic scenario. This just rings true. 

"I'm saying you can confuse boys and girls at that sensitive age when they're still developing sexually," Mr Nile responded.

The time where you are developing sexually and going through puberty IS confusing. Why is that hair there? Why do i have blood leaking from me? What do i do about this constant boner, do i spray Lynx Body Spray on it? 

Making sure that kids at this stage know that whatever is happening within them is normal and okay is promoting nothing but good mental health and well-adjusted future adults. Heterosexuality is constantly promoted as ideal in just about every facet of life, and yet, non-heterosexuals continue to be born. Informing kids about homosexuality and all kinds of safe sex and other related things is not going to make the straight kids gay. It is only going to help make the queer kids be okay. Pretending this reality doesn't exist or is a bad thing is a ship that has already sailed and we are all waving goodbye to people like Fred from our Oceanliner of Tolerant Gloriousness, as they sit on the dock, sadly muttering about gay people.

Look, I have come around on this since i began writing. I now believe that promoting homosexuality is still my future, and my career path. I believe everyone will benefit from my business, including straight kids. Who doesn't want to be a person who is open to being loved, and to love? What heterosexual person's life wouldn't be enhanced by the presence of someone like me, a Homosexual.

Watching Fred Nile last night, and listening to his words, was certainly an experience. With every sentence, he made my conservative grandmother seem impossibly young and hip. His guise of 'hating the sin, not the sinner' was as transparent as the television show, Transparent. That his response to a question about stopping homophobia and violent bullying was to say that homosexuality shouldn't be promoted in schools is telling. If he cared about what happens to queer kids in our schools, he would stop saying homophobic things in public. He would stop emphasising their differences, and saying that they are sick, or wrong. 

But in the end, his mind will never be changed. He will never come around. But at this point, we just have to wait. Young people in Australia are having none of this, and it probably won't be many years before Q&A literally wouldn't be able to find a politician with his views to appear. We're going to win this, it's only a matter of time. 

 

 

 

 

 

JurraSick Sad World

The new 'Global Trailer' for Jurassic World is out! I am really excited for this one, so i've done a trailer breakdown for you. 
  We open on an island with some sort of structure built on it. 

 

We open on an island with some sort of structure built on it. 

  Inside the structure is a man wearing a vest. I think he is the island's horse whisperer, as he looks to be trying to calm two thoroughbred horses. 

 

Inside the structure is a man wearing a vest. I think he is the island's horse whisperer, as he looks to be trying to calm two thoroughbred horses. 

  We see the man's face. His eyes and lips look beautiful, i think he is using Loreal's intuitive makeup app. Perhaps the 'classic look' setting. 

 

We see the man's face. His eyes and lips look beautiful, i think he is using Loreal's intuitive makeup app. Perhaps the 'classic look' setting. 

  He is going to have a very tough time training this horse, it is NOT happy. 

 

He is going to have a very tough time training this horse, it is NOT happy. 

  Suddenly, the group of horses realises the Horse Whisperer is wearing a brand new Apple Watch, and they want it. And who wouldn't, am i right everyone?

 

Suddenly, the group of horses realises the Horse Whisperer is wearing a brand new Apple Watch, and they want it. And who wouldn't, am i right everyone?

  We jump to the next shot, and we can't tell if he still has his watch. However, we can now tell where his chest hair starts, AND that he loves a game of Tree Golf. 

 

We jump to the next shot, and we can't tell if he still has his watch. However, we can now tell where his chest hair starts, AND that he loves a game of Tree Golf. 

  He DOES get his watch back, and just in time to do his daily prayer worship to the future world's most popular deity; Beige Caped Gillian Anderson (BCGA)

 

He DOES get his watch back, and just in time to do his daily prayer worship to the future world's most popular deity; Beige Caped Gillian Anderson (BCGA)

  Tourists flock to the island where BCGA lives, in the hopes of seeing her emerge from her vulva-shaped mansion

 

Tourists flock to the island where BCGA lives, in the hopes of seeing her emerge from her vulva-shaped mansion

  The trailer really starts to get my goat at this point 

 

The trailer really starts to get my goat at this point 

  You could think this scene is an indictment on society and viewing things through a lens instead of experiencing it, but it is actually to show us these two people are awful villains who are using tablets to take photos

 

You could think this scene is an indictment on society and viewing things through a lens instead of experiencing it, but it is actually to show us these two people are awful villains who are using tablets to take photos

  The island can also be hired out for corporate events, such as in this scene, where the Slanket Corporation are having their team-building day. 

 

The island can also be hired out for corporate events, such as in this scene, where the Slanket Corporation are having their team-building day. 

  The island is also popular because the arcade has a fun new Whack-a-Mole game

 

The island is also popular because the arcade has a fun new Whack-a-Mole game

  The island is also very safe, because if any crimes are committed on the island they are considered especially heinous and the dedicated detectives who investigate them are members of an elite squad known as the Special Island Victims Unit 

 

The island is also very safe, because if any crimes are committed on the island they are considered especially heinous and the dedicated detectives who investigate them are members of an elite squad known as the Special Island Victims Unit 

  Will BCGA be arrested for her heinous crime of matching car colour to clothes colour? or using her phone while driving? 

 

Will BCGA be arrested for her heinous crime of matching car colour to clothes colour? or using her phone while driving? 

  Confused Mark Ruffalo is confused 

 

Confused Mark Ruffalo is confused 

  The Black Friday sale on the Island is intense

 

The Black Friday sale on the Island is intense

  More people get Apple Watches at the Black Friday sales, paying the cost as well as some of their own blood

 

More people get Apple Watches at the Black Friday sales, paying the cost as well as some of their own blood

  Bless you. Allergies can get bad on the island. 

 

Bless you. Allergies can get bad on the island. 

  Oh gosh, some of the horses have been killed. 

 

Oh gosh, some of the horses have been killed. 

  And they're off!! Even though some of the horses have been killed mysteriously, they still hold the big Cup race. 

 

And they're off!! Even though some of the horses have been killed mysteriously, they still hold the big Cup race. 

  The Horse Whisperer tries to join the race on his motorbike!! That's cheating! Where is the SIVU?? He still loses, so it is irrelevant.

 

The Horse Whisperer tries to join the race on his motorbike!! That's cheating! Where is the SIVU?? He still loses, so it is irrelevant.

  The organiser of the race on the island is livid. He demands the Horse Whisperer be fired.

 

The organiser of the race on the island is livid. He demands the Horse Whisperer be fired.

  He's fired

 

He's fired

  The Horse Whisperer has trained the horses so well that some of them have jobs. These ones are lawyers. Ambulance chasers, yes. but still pretty impressive. 

 

The Horse Whisperer has trained the horses so well that some of them have jobs. These ones are lawyers. Ambulance chasers, yes. but still pretty impressive. 

  It turns out that Batman has become evil and is the one who has been killing the horses. In this scene he has turned up with his crew and has stolen this woman who was just trying to buy an Apple Watch. Worth it though, am i right everyone?

 

It turns out that Batman has become evil and is the one who has been killing the horses. In this scene he has turned up with his crew and has stolen this woman who was just trying to buy an Apple Watch. Worth it though, am i right everyone?

  Batman is caught and killed by this trained Seahorse. Order is restored

 

Batman is caught and killed by this trained Seahorse. Order is restored

Can't wait for this one!!

A War of Star

The new teaser trailer for Star Wars just came out this morning. I know a lot of you were probably at work or whatever so you couldn't watch it, so here's my trailer breakdown for it. You're welcome. 
  First, we are shown this. This tells us that the movie has been made by the famous 'Luc Asfilm' organisation. Nobody knows who Luc Asfilm is, it's one of Hollywood's biggest secrets.

 

First, we are shown this. This tells us that the movie has been made by the famous 'Luc Asfilm' organisation. Nobody knows who Luc Asfilm is, it's one of Hollywood's biggest secrets.

  We are shown the Australian outback. There is some kind of vehicle driving across the sand. It is going very fast. We are meant to realise that this futuristic land has no speeding laws and is therefore incredibly dangerous. 

 

We are shown the Australian outback. There is some kind of vehicle driving across the sand. It is going very fast. We are meant to realise that this futuristic land has no speeding laws and is therefore incredibly dangerous. 

  See, it is here already!

 

See, it is here already!

  The screen fades to black and a man says 'the force' is strong in his family. If he means the police force, i have news for him! The police force is just letting blatant speeders get away. The force is WEAK.

 

The screen fades to black and a man says 'the force' is strong in his family. If he means the police force, i have news for him! The police force is just letting blatant speeders get away. The force is WEAK.

  Someone finds Voldemort's skeleton

 

Someone finds Voldemort's skeleton

  A man pats a weird future robot dog on the head, and the sparks fly!! Because of same sex marriage now, in the future men are allowed to marry dogs. Good doggy. 

 

A man pats a weird future robot dog on the head, and the sparks fly!! Because of same sex marriage now, in the future men are allowed to marry dogs. Good doggy. 

  The man purchases a fancy future bone as a romantic gift for his next date 

 

The man purchases a fancy future bone as a romantic gift for his next date 

  This Christmas WHAT???????????? A new Santa Clause movie???? I KNEW it was time for a Tim Allen comeback

 

This Christmas WHAT???????????? A new Santa Clause movie???? I KNEW it was time for a Tim Allen comeback

  A man who i think is Hot Dogs from Hot Dogs Up Late wearing a helmet and goggles that appear too small and can't possibly serve as protection is bellowing with joy while he flies his plane.

 

A man who i think is Hot Dogs from Hot Dogs Up Late wearing a helmet and goggles that appear too small and can't possibly serve as protection is bellowing with joy while he flies his plane.

  Some humans are chased by a terrifying murderous giant soccer ball with a smaller ball on top of it

 

Some humans are chased by a terrifying murderous giant soccer ball with a smaller ball on top of it

  This is Banksy. Popularity has gotten to his head and he has become evil. Also he works in a welding factory now. I also suspect Banksy and Luc Asfilm are the same person, but don't tell Scientology i know.

 

This is Banksy. Popularity has gotten to his head and he has become evil. Also he works in a welding factory now. I also suspect Banksy and Luc Asfilm are the same person, but don't tell Scientology i know.

  The government, who are now the size of ants, stay on a stage protected by an army of soldiers made from refrigerator parts 

 

The government, who are now the size of ants, stay on a stage protected by an army of soldiers made from refrigerator parts 

  The future ant government use drones that were designed during by the 2017 american president. Notice Anything?? 

 

The future ant government use drones that were designed during by the 2017 american president. Notice Anything?? 

  This is a Star Pooper. He is usually very good at pooping as his name indicates, but today his game is off and he got some on his helmet. 

 

This is a Star Pooper. He is usually very good at pooping as his name indicates, but today his game is off and he got some on his helmet. 

  He is devastated. He is usually the most accurate Pooper on the Poop Patrol!

 

He is devastated. He is usually the most accurate Pooper on the Poop Patrol!

  The Poop master is coming to mete out his punishment. He has a verry werry frowny face emoji, that is a bad sign for our Star Pooper.

 

The Poop master is coming to mete out his punishment. He has a verry werry frowny face emoji, that is a bad sign for our Star Pooper.

  The evil volleyball. It waits. 

 

The evil volleyball. It waits. 

  This woman offers to let the upset and nervous man vomit into her hand

 

This woman offers to let the upset and nervous man vomit into her hand

  There is an ad for a new kind of vaccuum cleaner in the middle of the trailer.

 

There is an ad for a new kind of vaccuum cleaner in the middle of the trailer.

  Hairy Katniss and Helen Mirren have their own reality show in the future. It is like Kitchen Nightmares, except they come into town and shape up the town's police force. For example, they MAKE THEM CATCH SPEEDING CARS

 

Hairy Katniss and Helen Mirren have their own reality show in the future. It is like Kitchen Nightmares, except they come into town and shape up the town's police force. For example, they MAKE THEM CATCH SPEEDING CARS

  We find out we have been watching the trailer for "Star The Force Awakens Wars"

 

We find out we have been watching the trailer for "Star The Force Awakens Wars"

The End. Can't wait for this one guys!

Avengers: Maid of Ultron

Everyone is getting very excited about Marvel's Avengers: Age of Ultron. If you haven't had time to watch the trailer or you are confused about what is happening, read this new Trailer Breakdown and have all your questions answered.

  We open on a house in the mountains. I think this is Oprah's summer home for her dogs. 

 

We open on a house in the mountains. I think this is Oprah's summer home for her dogs. 

  Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are there. Ashley is in the background because she doesn't look very well. They are looking at something, and seem concerned.

 

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are there. Ashley is in the background because she doesn't look very well. They are looking at something, and seem concerned.

  I think they are worried that the items Oprah has chosen for Oprah's Favourite Things this year won't be relatable to a wider audience. A lovely pashmina throw, yes. But a robot arm? 

 

I think they are worried that the items Oprah has chosen for Oprah's Favourite Things this year won't be relatable to a wider audience. A lovely pashmina throw, yes. But a robot arm? 

  We go back to Chicago. Isn't it beautiful. 

 

We go back to Chicago. Isn't it beautiful. 

  In the future, The Blue Man Group have gotten really big. Success wise, but also in stature. 

 

In the future, The Blue Man Group have gotten really big. Success wise, but also in stature. 

  In fact, they have gotten too big. The army sends a plane to end their reign of terror.

 

In fact, they have gotten too big. The army sends a plane to end their reign of terror.

  The camera pans to Kristen Bell's sister and a boy who expresses great pleasure at the destruction and fire. I assume we are to understand that later he is diagnosed with Pyrophilia

 

The camera pans to Kristen Bell's sister and a boy who expresses great pleasure at the destruction and fire. I assume we are to understand that later he is diagnosed with Pyrophilia

  Apple release an upgrade of their robot vacuum cleaner. 

 

Apple release an upgrade of their robot vacuum cleaner. 

  In the future you don't just line up for new apple products, you have to win a foot race. 

 

In the future you don't just line up for new apple products, you have to win a foot race. 

  We then head to the brand new duck-shaped Apple building. 

 

We then head to the brand new duck-shaped Apple building. 

  The CEO of Apple, Mr Fuckable Dad, is informed that the iRobot iMaids have minds of their own.

 

The CEO of Apple, Mr Fuckable Dad, is informed that the iRobot iMaids have minds of their own.

  They are CREATING mess, this is a disaster. 

 

They are CREATING mess, this is a disaster. 

  BUT impressively, they can go from cleaning your carpet to cleaning the bottom of your pool.

 

BUT impressively, they can go from cleaning your carpet to cleaning the bottom of your pool.

  They escape to follow their dream, joining a rock climbing club together. 

 

They escape to follow their dream, joining a rock climbing club together. 

  Robert Downey Jr has started a cool graphic t-shirt club. He tells Fuckable Dad they have to destroy the iMaids before they make rock climbing popular. You can't wear a graphic t-shirt while rock climbing. 

 

Robert Downey Jr has started a cool graphic t-shirt club. He tells Fuckable Dad they have to destroy the iMaids before they make rock climbing popular. You can't wear a graphic t-shirt while rock climbing. 

  They put together a group of people to destroy them, and they all grab a patented Apple War Helmet.

 

They put together a group of people to destroy them, and they all grab a patented Apple War Helmet.

  Fuckable Dad CEO starts wearing green contacts, making him 13% more fuckable.

 

Fuckable Dad CEO starts wearing green contacts, making him 13% more fuckable.

  Thor is very upset because he thought (thort) that he got a peppermint Bath Bomb, but it was actually lavender. 

 

Thor is very upset because he thought (thort) that he got a peppermint Bath Bomb, but it was actually lavender. 

  Can You Believe What The Backstreet Boys Look Like Now?

 

Can You Believe What The Backstreet Boys Look Like Now?

  A limited edition red & gold iRobot iMaid that hadn't been released yet appears. Only Oprah had one, and she lends it to the fight. Thank You President Oprah. 

 

A limited edition red & gold iRobot iMaid that hadn't been released yet appears. Only Oprah had one, and she lends it to the fight. Thank You President Oprah. 

  This version can vacuum snow. 

 

This version can vacuum snow. 

  Katniss joins the crew. She brings expertise, because she always does the vacuuming while Peeta bakes the bread.

 

Katniss joins the crew. She brings expertise, because she always does the vacuuming while Peeta bakes the bread.

  The iMaids are intimidated by The Backstreet Boys PLUS Katniss, so they decide to stop fighting, come back and clean up the city. 

 

The iMaids are intimidated by The Backstreet Boys PLUS Katniss, so they decide to stop fighting, come back and clean up the city. 

  Scar-Jo invents a new flavour of popsicle called 'Electric Blue'. 

 

Scar-Jo invents a new flavour of popsicle called 'Electric Blue'. 

  Before they can get back to their home base thing, the robots run out of power and have to lie down for a little nap. Thor dubs this an 'Apple nap', Robert Downey Jr shortens this to 'Napple' and tweets about it. It goes viral. Photos of people 'Napple-ing' are everywhere. He releases a Napple graphic t-shirt. The world is back to normal.

 

Before they can get back to their home base thing, the robots run out of power and have to lie down for a little nap. Thor dubs this an 'Apple nap', Robert Downey Jr shortens this to 'Napple' and tweets about it. It goes viral. Photos of people 'Napple-ing' are everywhere. He releases a Napple graphic t-shirt. The world is back to normal.

   

 

 

The End.

Magic Mike II: Even Magicker

The trailer has just been released for the sequel to Magic MIke. I watched the trailer, and have broken it down for you. Enjoy. 

We open on a house. It's big house, big like Magic Mike's penis, i imagine. It's raining and wet. Wet like Magic Mike makes the ladies, probably. There's a small moving-truck and a pick-up truck parked outside. Men live here. Men who work with their hands, and have smooth hairless buns.

We enter the house. There is Mike, bent over, doing a welding. He is surrounded by holes. Holes, all over the place. On the walls, on the floor. What is this a metaphor for, i guess we will never know. He is practicing good OH&S by wearing a welding mask and gloves. However, his arms are bare, in order for us to see his muscles. Not good Occupation Health & Safety, but VERY good Oh Hot & Sensuous. 

He stops welding and raises his head, as the first notes of Ginuwine's 'Pony' play. It seems as though he is hearing the music, but i don't think this is possible. Is it some kind of stroke? Is he hearing Pony instead of smelling burnt toast? Perhaps, it is magic. 

In the next scene he is welding with his dick. Pony is still playing. This is the highest level of welding a person can achieve. His every hip thrust throws off literal sparks. He is doing it. He is welding with his dick. Amazing. 

He takes off his mask, job done. A self-satisfied look on his face. Another day's work of dick-welding complete. Now he can have some fun.

He sits down awkwardly. I think his back is sore from dick-welding, it can be brutal. That's why dick-welders always have short careers. He is surrounded by more holes, and drawings of things. Probably sketches of holes. 

He tries to check the time on his watch, but forgets how. 

He tries to fly away, but can't. 

He is mad about not being able to fly, so he tries to kick a bucket. 

To calm down, he reads some travel pamphlets that are on his desk. The beach would be nice this time of year. 

He goes to the beach. 

He drives around with his best friends. The only rule to being in their friendship group is that you have to wear bad sunglasses or a bad hat. 

A guy falls from the roof and all the money in his pockets falls out. 

They go to a taping of Ellen, and participate in one of her zany games to try and win Super Bowl tickets. They don't.

A cut scene from American Psycho. 

In this future women can run as fast as motorbikes, so they have to wear helmets.

A man spills some Pepsi. The store has everything you need to go fishing. Pepsi, Pepsi Light, water, motor oil, fishing rods, and one fan. 

This woman discovers a love for playing Tunnel Ball 

After tunnel ball, they play the 'Mirror Image' game, and these two just can't be beaten. 

There is a wrestling match, the woman in blue on the left has put $100 on the man in the fedora to win. The woman on the right is shouting 'cute dress, where did you get it?!' 

The friends finally fulfil their dream of becoming models for Diamante Belts! 

She laughs at him as he walks away because he is a grown up wearing a backwards cap to what appears to be a high tea of some sort. 

The End. 

'T(ony)was the Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house,

not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.

Except of a course the women, they were already awake,

They couldn’t sleep, they were too excited about getting to bake!

 

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

also the women were still wearing stockings, their legs shouldn’t be bare.

The children were nestled all snug in their bedding,

their mothers watching over them, hoping for the girls a nice future wedding.

 

I looked out at my lawn covered in dead grass from the weather and drought.

I wondered to myself ‘climate change doesn’t exist, so what’s that about?’

When suddenly out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,

that for a second I was terrified that it was the glass ceiling I heard shatter!

 

But instead there was a sleigh and eight beautiful reindeer,

and I wanted to cry, but someone might think I was queer.

The driver of the sleigh was so bearded and lively and quick,

that I knew it must be him; yes it’s God! No wait it's just St. Nick.

 

Down the chimney came Santa, he seemed all argy-bargy,

and I told him to quiet, I didn’t want him to wake Margie.

He tapped his nose, and we exchanged hearty laughs,

and he said my present would be that this year I would only say 150 gaffes.

 

He asked what to give Australian women; and I didn’t want to fudge-it,

So I said that all women are concerned with the household budget.

We put our heads together to think of the perfect thing to bestow,

And decided upon an iron, and a monthly tax on their menstrual flow.  

 

Merry Christmas Everyone.  

The Best Misandrist Films of 2014

The Hunger Games: Mocking Jay

Katniss has been rescued and is safe in the underground bunker of District 13, which has remained secure because a woman runs it. A woman who can contest a war against President Jay and The Capitol while maintaining immaculate grey highlights. Meanwhile, Peeta has been captured and is being brainwashed into becoming a mouth-piece for The Capitol, because he is weak in both mind and body, like all men.

Katniss makes propaganda videos for the people rebelling in the districts, instructing them how best to join in the mocking of President Jay. She stokes the fires by showing them the tweets where he has explained women’s own jokes back to them.

Everyone agrees that making fun of men is great, and they all pledge to do it incessantly until Jay deactivates his twitter and collapses, allowing the uprising to be completed. In the sub-plot, Katniss forgets all about the tall guy and the short guy, and instead falls in love with Cressida, the director of the videos.  They get matching haircuts.

Dawn From Babysitter’s Club of the Planet of the Apes

A war almost breaks out between a community of genetically-evolved Apes living in San Francisco’s Muir Woods, and the few remaining human survivors of a virus pandemic, who need to access the woods. A peaceful resolution cannot be reached because one part of the Apes has evolved to exactly match that of a human male; the ego. Dawn Schafer is parachuted in because she is originally from California, as she never shuts up about. She is wearing her usual clothes that the other BSC members call California Casual, even though they just look like regular clothes. After she arrives, she firstly sees if she can babysit her way to a peaceful solution. She cannot. Then, as a last resort, Malcolm (the human leader) and Caesar (the ape leader) are locked into a room with Dawn. What happens inside that room is too graphic to show, but audio is played. For hours she lectures them about recycling and peace until they both agree to do whatever she wants, whatever anyone wants, please god just let them out of there. A truce is reached.

Snowpiercebrosnaner 

The world is suffering through a post-apocalyptic ice age, brought about by too many sequels to the animated feature Ice Age. Earth’s only survivors have been forced onto a globe-spanning supertrain. A class system is established, where background extras from Meryl Streep movies inhabit the crowded and dirty caboose of the train. In the next carriage, featured extras from Meryl Streep movies live in a slightly less dirty and crowded environment, progressing naturally with each carriage up to the front of the train, where co-stars from the most successful Meryl Streep movies live a luscious and decadent life, along with the Gummers. Not the Boy Gummer, nobody knows where he is.

Pierce Brosnan is the train driver. Frighteningly, he has lost his mind gradually and often hallucinates that he is one of his movie characters. Everything still runs smoothly while he believes he is James Bond (drinking martinis), or his character from Mrs Doubtfire (avoiding pepper), but tragedy strikes on the day he believes he is Sam from Mamma Mia! Anne Hathaway tries to stop him, but it’s too late. As Brosnan’s sick-cow sounding singing voice echoes through the train, penetrating through to the world outside, the peaks of snow in the vicinity begin to crack and mountains upon mountains of snow fall upon the train, grinding it, and humanity, to a halt.

TransformHers: Age of Extinctmen

It’s five years after the battle between Deceptivemen and Fembots that levelled Chicago. The government believes ALL robots to be a threat, and a special CIA team sets out to secretly destroy every last one. Cade Yeager, somehow a real name not made up for this, stumbles upon OptiMs Prime disguised as an old truck, and together they set out to eliminate the people hunting the robots. They also destroy the rest of men on earth just to be safe.  

Guardians of the Galsaxy

 Massive dickhead Starlord Peter Quill finds himself the object of a galaxy-wide bounty hunt after stealing a mysterious orb coveted by Ronan Keating, the leader of Boyzone. Boyzone is a planet that doesn’t allow women, and the participants of Gamergate started it in 2014. Neither of the men actually knows what the orb is for, but they still want it with all of the cells in their body because another man covets it, and it is shaped like a breast. Quill is forced into an uneasy truce to fight Ronan, along with a big guy, a raccoon guy, a tree guy, and Gamora, a woman he wants to sleep with.

Ronan and Quill fight over the orb, eventually causing it to split open. They realise too late that it contains within it every speck of female energy syphoned from any woman who has ever died. They also realise too late that the power released will cause the death of any man who is too weak to handle the strength of women. Ronan and Peter both die, along with every person on planet Boyzone. The tragedy is deemed an overall success.

Stella

I loved Stella for all of the reasons you’ve read about today. She was a brilliant writer, and a passionate advocate. I am desperately sad that we have lost her.

But besides all of these attributes and accolades, when it comes down to it, I loved her for the same reason I treasure anyone: because she was fucking hilarious.

I wanted to share a moment that is bright in my mind, because I never want to forget how astonishingly funny she was, and this moment made me laugh like I don’t very often. We were at dinner with several people in Sydney. As a side-note, the dinner location had to be moved because the original restaurant wasn’t accessible. So let's keep up the fucking fight. Complain about access problems, write letters, talk to a manager at a restaurant if you see the disabled toilet being used for storage, as it often is. Do something.

Anyway, at this dinner, Stella was telling us about her experience with online dating. Every moment she described was funny. But in the end, she had finally decided to shut down her online dating account. 

She clicked through to the appropriate page, and the screen read,  “Are you sure you want to disable your account?”

Stella paused, and delivered her punch line with perfect timing and cadence, “Well technically, my account already was disabled.” 

Goodbye Stella. We’ll miss you.

SUMMER HATIN'/HAD ME A BLAST/JUST KIDDING/I HATE IT

I was born and bred in Queensland, and yet I have never been able to understand the appeal of summer. The season, not Summer Glau, the actress. Actually, I don’t really understand her appeal either, but that’s a different story. When it starts getting warm, I hear people all around me say things like “I am so glad it is hot again” and “I’m so ready for summer!” and I stare at them with the bewildered look of a child trying to understand algebra, or me, trying to understand algebra. Instead of calling these people soulless sociopaths, as is my usual plan of attack every year, I have decided instead to look further into the things that make summer what it is, in the hopes of understanding these soulless sociopaths.

The Sun 

Is it the sun that you enjoy? In Queensland, the summer sun is nothing short of a direct flame being held directly onto your skin by God himself, so I can understand why you love it. Because you love to feel pain, I guess. You probably just need to feel something. And of course, you can lather yourself with layers and layers of sunscreen, but it won’t be enough. What it will be enough to do is to make you sweat, a lot. If you are lucky, the sweat will run and leave tracks through your sunscreen. That must be what you like about it. You like pain sweat. But then of course even more pain comes when the sun fights its way through the pathetic and useless layers of sunscreen to burn you. Perhaps you’ll be burnt on your shoulders. Perhaps on your face. Or perhaps places you never considered, like your scalp where you part your hair, or the tops of your feet left uncovered by thongs. But we can all agree, I guess, that the redness and peeling and blistering and pain are totally greats part of summer.

The Beach 

Wait of course, it’s the beach! The beach is why you love summer so much. And I can see exactly why. There is just absolutely nothing better than crowding onto burning hot sand that sears your skin with each touch, along with several hundred or thousand other beach-goers. It is so nice to dive into the waves, watching out for sharp rocks and stinging animals, and cooling down for a little while. Then you get to come back out onto the burning hot sand, but this time it STICKS to you. What a treat. You go back to your towel, where your belongings have probably been stolen, and you lay in the blistering hot death sun and sweat like a pig on a roast. Perhaps you’ll end up with a tan, a slight brownness that somehow seems to be worth it for the pain and blisters and skin cancer you will probably get. You repeat this over and over again until it’s time to stand under the shower at the beach, treading where thousands of people and their bare fungus feat have tread, to rinse off. But we all know you are never really rinsed, and you get to be reminded of that shitty day at the beach as sand continues to fall out of your orifices forever.

Pools 

Take away the ‘sand’ part and add in ‘ear infections’ and ‘smelling like chlorine’.

The Heat and Humidity 

Maybe one of your favourite things about summer is that it is so hot and muggy that you are drained of all energy, and the very thought of venturing outdoors is enough to send you into the 5 stages of grief (minus acceptance). Either that, or you hate sleeping, and you lie in a bed that is too hot to lie on because it is made of ~not ice~ with a huge smile on your dumb sociopath face.  Why do you hate to sleep? Is it that you love getting up at 2am to pour water over your head, mixing it with your warm salty tears, so you can be cool enough for two minutes to try and sleep? If you have air conditioning, is it driving up your electricity bill you enjoy, or hurting the environment? I guess the creative ideas that come to you in the moments where you can’t sleep; “What if I go sleep in the bathtub”, “I wonder if it’s cooler in my dog’s kennel” are moments you appreciate. Or you love sitting in a house that is incredibly hot and muggy, praying for relief. Then when relief comes, in the form of a city-destroying storm, you have to close all the windows. Then by the time it’s safe to open them again, it is back to being muggy, and you wonder briefly if you will actually lose your mind.

Mosquitoes and Ants

Maybe you love the impetus ants give you to clean your kitchen, because you cannot leave one tiny skerrick of food or food-like substance there, lest you walk in to scenes from an Ant-pocalypse. Or maybe you love spraying yourself with disgusting smelling insect repellent to stand outside, ensuring you only get bitten 400 times by mosquitos and are itchy for a week. If you are really lucky, some will bite you just far enough down your back that you can’t reach to scratch, or on your knuckles, or toes. I really wish all these good things for you, people who love Summer.

Summer Fruit and Ice Blocks

Literally the only good thing about summer, not enough reason to enjoy summer.

I am sorry. I have tried hard, I have thought about it, I have delved into it, and I have tried using empathy. I still reach the same conclusion. Unless you have a medical condition that the heat helps to treat, I will never understand people who not just dislike being cold, but actively LOVE SUMMER. Seek help. Or maybe it is me who needs help, and you are the smartest people on earth, destined to succeed. Help me to survive in a world with its endless godforsaken summer. I am sad and useless as soon as winter is over, and I live in a cruel world that is just growing warmer by the second. Help me, summer people. Help me become like you.

The Princeguess Bride

Hello everyone. This post is the next in my series of ‘describing things I haven’t watched that everyone else has watched’. It is about the movie The Princess Bride. Now, I don’t exactly know why I didn’t see this when I was young. I was only five when it came out, but it seems like most people my age and younger saw it. I did miss a lot of things that my brothers wouldn’t watch, because there were many more of them to outvote/oppress me. But it also seems that this is a movie that lots of boys DID like, so it is confusing. It is possible they saw the word ‘Princess’ and ‘Bride’ and immediately decided that watching it would make them gay. Who knows. What I do know is that I haven’t ever watched The Princess Bride. But just by living my life and interacting with other humans, I have picked up what I think are some vague elements of the movie. I will explain them below. Please never send me corrections about any of these things, but do send me gifts and compliments.

Fred Savage

As a fan of the Wonder Years, I somehow know that Fred Savage is in this movie. But, he must have only been a kid. I WONDER FOR YEARS what character he plays. Just kidding, this is the first time I’ve given it a second thought. I dunno, I guess he plays a kid? Maybe the narrative is a kid reading a book, and this is the book? That feels like it is hitting something in the deepest recesses of my vague memories. Unless I’m getting it confused with The NeverEnding Story aka the movie that fucked me up for a long time because they MADE A HORSE DROWN IN THE SWAMP OF SADNESS AND I HAD TO WATCH IT AND I LOVED HORSIES. Anyway, Fred Savage is in this, I had a crush on Winnie Cooper when I was 8, and I don’t know if any horses die in a swamp in this movie.

Robin Wright 

Robin Wright plays the titular Princess Bride, I guess. I don’t know why she is called a ‘Princess’ AND a ‘Bride’ I mean unless she was born into royalty, which I don’t think she was, she is obviously a bride as well. It’s a bit redundant. She is young and stereotypically Princess pretty, and I feel like she has the same name as a cow might. Bessie? Bertha? Something like that. No offense to any cows reading, I’m sure you all have non-stereotypicowl names. Anyway, I think she gets kidnapped or something. Is this the story of Princess Peach? I guess I’ll never know.

Carey Ewles 

I don’t know if that’s how you spell his name. I think he plays the love interest of Princess Peach. Is he the Prince? That would make sense. I know he’s blonde and very handsome as well, and I have an image of them looking at each other in some kind of field. Also during the movie I think he is doing Movember. No wait, maybe I think that he isn’t The Prince because there is other conflict and another dude I remember. So maybe she marries a Prince (not THE Prince sadly), but she really loves this guy? Maybe he’s an outlaw or something. Anyway, I’m sure they end up together in the end, and the Prince turns out to be a bad guy or something like that so that we don’t feel bad for him and want Carey Ewles and Robin Wright to be together.

Andre the Giant

Andre the Giant is in this. I don’t think I know what he looks like, but I imagine he plays a big guy who does big guy stuff. Unless it’s an Aussie nickname and he’s called that because he’s tiny. I have no idea what he does. Giant stuff.

Inigo Montoya 

Okay so this guy is Saul from Homeland. He is also doing Movember. Is he a pirate? At some point he finds the person (I don’t know who) that killed his father and says “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father, prepare to die”. Personally I think it’s pretty dumb to give your enemy such a clear warning and also TIME TO PREPARE, but maybe that’s just me. I am pretty sure he does kill the person who killed his father, and I’m sure murdering someone really set his mind at ease forever and he never had any trouble sleeping.

The Plot

I am struggling with this edition of things I haven’t seen, because after I started thinking about it I realised I have no idea what the plot of this movie is. In my mind it is kind of a mix between Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves and Pirates of the Caribbean (however I have also not seen either of those), so I could be very wrong. Okay. I think someone is reading Fred Savage a book about this story. The Princess is married to a bad Prince guy. She gets kidnapped by someone. Carey Ewles saves her. Saul gets revenge. The Prince and the Ewles run away together. That is what I believe The Princess Bride to be, and I don’t know even (want to) know the slightest detail more about it.

And they all lived happily ever after. 

Lez Miserable

When someone with any amount of notoriety comes out, as seen with Apple CEO Tim Cook recently, there is inevitably an outpouring of opinions (unlike at all other times on the Internet when anything is said). The first type of comment come from those who think being gay is disgusting, going so far as to claim that they will boycott Apple (they won’t) because he came out publicly and they don’t want to be made aware that queer people exist in the universe because it terrifies them and makes them think that Cook will secretly change iPhones to make them emit some kind of gay-waves that will make them want to kiss their friend Matt. I can dismiss their opinion easily because they are homophobic deadshits, and therefore their opinion is like homophobic garbage water off a lesbi-ducks back. But there are also people who are progressive, who aren’t homophobic at all, and who also take issue with this kind of announcement being made. They are generally kind people who find it sad or annoying that this kind of announcement is still news. But the fact that it is still news is exactly why it is still important. The fact that there are 500 chief executives of America’s biggest companies, and Tim Cook is the only openly gay one, means it is necessary, and it is news.

Of course, it is getting easier almost by the day for (especially) a certain kind of white, middle-class person to come out. But let’s be very clear; that doesn’t make it easy. That is a very important distinction to remember. It can be simple to forget that the rest of the world doesn’t think like you, when looking at your carefully cultivated twitter feed. It is sometimes easy to forget that things are still hard for other people in the real world, when sitting at a bar with your carefully cultivated group of cool-guy friends. It is easier for me to remember, when my friends are being called faggots on the street, when they are being bashed. When people give same-sex couples disgusted looks as we walk down the street holding hands. When people in my government think and say that my relationships are unnatural, and block moves for equality. When sporting culture, so important to many Australians, is still so homophobic. When my sexuality is used as an insult. When I see no representation of myself in entertainment. When grown-up people in progressive cities are still in the closet, when young men in the country are still killing themselves. It is easier to remember, then.

Usually when discussing the real effects of homophobia, we talk about violence against us, we talk about rights being denied to us, we talk about external things that hurt us. But it is not just in these external things that you can see the tarnished reflection of homophobia. It is here in this simple story about heartbreak. It doesn’t end in death, and it doesn’t even end in tragedy. Except, it sort of does.

I was nineteen. I was living in Toowoomba, a regional city in South East Queensland. Even though Toowoomba has a decent population, it has always had a small country-town feel. It has a lot of conservative people, a lot of old people, and a lot of religious people. There are a little surrounding rural properties and country townships, (one of these being where I went to a primary school with 31 kids in the entire school), and those contribute to the overall vibe.  I had just dropped out of my first attempt at university, and I was working in a very glamorous job as a cleaner in the Grand Central food court while I figured out what I wanted to do with my life (still unsure). Every single day I was growing to hate humanity more. Hated how people in these jobs were treated, the working conditions, and the shit they had to put up with. Hated how most of the general public treated us, like we were stupid, worthless, servants, or invisible. As an aside, if you are dating someone, pay attention to how they treat wait staff and cleaners, it gives you a good indication of their empathy levels, and how they will treat you one day. I was getting towards the end of my rope with each passing second. When I would take the piles of rubbish into the lift on a trolley, descending down to the smelly loading dock where I would toss the bags into the crusher (the only fun part of the entire experience), I used to wish for the lifts to stop and trap me. I would have preferred to spend hours in an elevator with bags of rubbish in a Queensland summer, than have one more person look at me like I was a piece of dog shit on their shoe as I took their leftover KFC to the bin.

But all of that changed in an instant, when she came along. Alexandra*. I noticed her name immediately, shining on the new badge pinned to her shirt. I noticed her and her name badge the minute she started working at the sandwich shop I passed a hundred times a shift. By now I knew most of the people working in most of the shops in the food court, and I would always try to become friendly with new workers. It made my job easier if they liked me. So I decided to do that with Alexandra as well. But this time it was different, I was too nervous to strike up a conversation. So I just went about my day, glancing over at her from time-to-time. She was about my age, smiley, bouncy, expressive, and completely adorable. That was my routine for a couple of days, until my manager told me to go to the sandwich shop to ask them a question about the plastic trays we cleaned and delivered back to them. I can’t remember what the question was, but I do remember that Alexandra was the only person there when I went up. I remember being surprised that up close, her face was covered with what must have been hundreds of light freckles. I asked the question, and then I introduced myself. At that time, I lived with my parents, and I was in the closet. Back then the small-town vibe of Toowoomba lent itself very easily to small-mindedness and homophobia as well. But (thanks in part to the internet) I had started becoming much more comfortable in my own skin, in identifying as a lesbian.

All of those feelings and desires I had pushed down for as long as I can remember were starting to surface. I was starting to think seriously about coming out to my family, to dating, to experience what my friends had been experiencing for years. I had never really let myself go there before. I had plenty of friends who were always just friends, plenty of fun, but I had been too scared to open up that part of myself. And I really had no opportunity to open up before. By that point, I think I had one openly gay male friend. I didn’t know any women who were interested in other women, and I never, ever had. But there was something in the way that she looked at me. Somehow in that few minutes, I knew that this was different, something I had never experienced before. My mouth was dry and my heart was racing as I walked away.

For the weeks that followed, work was much easier to get through. I would try to seem cool, spending my minimal cleaner wages buying a sandwich from her every day instead of bringing lunch from home like I usually would. In the minutes during which she would make my sandwich, I aimed to make her laugh, which was actually quite easy because she was so full of joy (and I am hilarious). I would take the food, and I would make sure to sit where she could see me. I would recline back and listen to music, and read the paper, or a book I thought would impress her. I had no idea what I was doing. But it somehow seemed to work, I imagine some form of dark lesbian magic was involved. After a little while she asked me what music I was always listening to, and we bonded over PJ Harvey. After that, she asked if I wanted to have lunch together, and knowing that this meant she had changed the time of her shift to be able to do it, my heart roared and my stomach fizzled with nerves.

After that, we started getting in contact outside of work, we would have breakfast together before our shifts started, we would text and call. She was smart, she was funny, and she felt like she didn’t fit in this town, or with her family, that she needed to escape. We bonded in so many ways. This all somehow felt different to how I had interacted with new friends in the past. I could feel that it was building to something, and I could see it in her eyes when she looked at me. In her smile when I would look up and catch her looking at me from across the food court (again, very glamorous and romantic). She was all I thought about. When she sat with me and read the paper, the backs of our hands would touch, and I would think about that for the rest of the day. It was definitely building to something. And finally, it did. 

She called on a Friday afternoon to invite me out to a pub that night. Toowoomba is not a very big place; I had been to most of the pubs. Not this one. It was a run-down old pub, where I assumed the clientele were 80-year-old men talking about the races, or being racist. Or both. I said yes, because of course I said yes. I wondered briefly if she wanted to go there so nobody would see us together. She picked me up in the evening, and we drove to the pub, listening and singing to PJ on the way. At some point she offhandedly told me that she had found out that once a month, on this particular night, the pub we were going to had a ‘gay night’. So, this was it then. Proof. My stomach was churning.

She parked behind the pub, in the dirt car park with no lighting, and nobody else around. She switched off the car, and PJ’s voice died down. We got out, and she came around to my side of the car. And then, she put her hand on my wrist to stop me walking off, and leaned in and kissed me. My first kiss from a woman, the thing I had been unsuccessfully trying not to fantasise about my entire life. It was just a quick moment. A soft pressing of her lips on mine, and in that moment my mind and body reacted like one of those exploding bi-carb and vinegar volcanos people make for science class. And that was it. I was done for. We went inside the pub, and our dynamic was so different than before I had gotten out of her car. The pub had quite a few people in it, just normal looking humans playing pool, or drinking at tables. I have no idea if any of them were gay, but I assume so. But maybe not, because all I could focus on was her. They could have been aliens. I had blinders on for the rest of the world. And she did too. We flirted, touched discreetly, and chose songs on the jukebox. We played pool and drank and laughed, and pressed ourselves into each other when we could get away with it. It was the greatest night of my life up to that point.

We stayed there, comfortable in ourselves, knowing that the other people there would be on our side. That’s a funny thing. As far as I know, I am the only queer person in my giant extended family, whom I love dearly. Also, it’s just happened that I have always had more straight friends, men and women, than not. The friends I’ve had for the longest time are straight, because I didn’t know any queer people growing up. I feel totally comfortable around heterosexual people, especially the wonderful ones I choose as my friends. And yet, on the rare times I am at a gay bar, or at a pride event, or somewhere that I am in the majority, it feels different. And it feels nice. It is hard to explain, but it is almost like a weight is lifted. For brief moments, every single cell that makes up me knows that I am completely safe. Not only safe, but also accepted. I can’t be judged, I won’t be assumed to be straight, I won’t be asked questions, I won’t have a slur thrown at me, I won’t have a man hitting on me, I won’t make anyone uncomfortable by being me. I just am. And that feeling still happens now, after years of being comfortable with which I am. Imagine the feeling as a closeted 19 year old, on her first outing with another lady. It was euphoric.

The euphoria made time pass quickly, and the light outside faded as it got later and later into the evening. We were sitting at a table drinking, and talking, and she was telling me about a tattoo she planned on getting on her upper arm. She grabbed my hand, and ran my fingertips slowly over the spot she wanted it, staring into my eyes. Oh yes, something was building. The moment is burned into my memory, the moment before everything changed.

 The door to the pub swung open, and in walked a group of young drunk people. I figured out pretty quickly they were unaware of the ‘gay night’ pub status. But unfortunately, they were aware of who Alexandra was, and it turned out that they were friends of hers. Her face fell, and she moved her chair away from me quickly, and bounced up to greet them. She introduced me as someone ‘from work’, and that’s when I knew this wasn’t going to be good. I think they were friends that she had known from school, and they certainly didn’t match the person I had come to know, and they certainly weren’t people that I would want to be friends with. They questioned what we were doing there, and she told them that we wanted a quiet drink before heading into the ‘city’ (a few blocks over), to go clubbing. What a cool coincidence, that is what they were doing as well! So, that's what we did. We all left in a drunken group, and headed to one of the gross pub/clubs in the main street of Toowoomba.

From the moment her friends had walked into that pub, she had shut down to me completely. It was like I was a stranger that had just glommed onto their group. I was hoping to find a chance to talk to her, explain that I understood she didn’t want any of them to find out about us, to explain that I knew the fear, that it was okay. Instead, I found myself standing on the upstairs balcony of the pub, tequila sunrise in my hand (I was a forty year old trapped in a 19 year old body), with her friends. I watched as she left to go to the bar with Brad, an obnoxious Bintang-singlet, cap wearing, probably racist, rats-tail having, hotted up-Holden kind of guy. I watched as she flirted with him at the bar, smiling that smile I had come to know as for me. I watched as she made the briefest eye contact with me on their way back, the flicker of hurt and sadness in her eyes reflecting mine, before the shutters came down. I sat there with her friends, chatting to them, as Brad took her to talk somewhere quieter. My stomach filling with more dread as each second passed. I sat there when they came back holding hands, and she was doing everything she could not to look at me. And I sat there when he pulled her onto his lap and stuck his tongue in her mouth.

Then I wasn’t sitting there anymore. I was up, and I was almost hyperventilating, and I ran past them, and down the stairs. I wasn’t there anymore, I wasn’t anywhere. I was crying on the street, as a million Brads and a million Alexandras walked past me. I was looking for someone to understand, but nobody could, so instead I looked for a cab. As one pulled up to the curb, I heard her say my name, and she was behind me. She looked pale, her freckles as stark as I have ever seen them against her skin. She looked terrified, and devastated. I knew from looking at her that this was the way it had to be. She said five words to me, as I opened the door to that cab. She said ‘I don’t want..’ and gestured back towards the club. Then her hands fell to her sides. She looked down, defeated, and empty. She looked at me with tears in her eyes and said ‘I’m sorry’. I got in, and the cab drove away. I didn’t look back.

This all happened when I was around 19. I am 31 now. And yet, I can still feel every single emotion that I felt on that night. Finally opening up to someone after years of pushing every emotion down far enough so that you can’t feel anything, finally opening up to someone despite the fact that you are fucking terrified, only to have their fear be the thing that overwhelms you both. That is not a feeling you forget easily. You don’t need to look very hard to see the effects on homophobia on public policy, on how queer and trans people are treated in society, on the slurs and violence we face. But as this (long and maybe boring) story shows, it also just breaks our hearts.

What happened to me is not unusual, not even in 2014. I know that Alexandra ended up marrying a man (not Brad) soon after, and staying in Toowoomba. If I’m being optimistic I like to believe that it would have happened anyway, that it what she truly wanted, and that she is happy. But remembering the look on her face, I’m not optimistic very often. There is every chance I could be wrong, and i hope so. Even after it happened, I didn’t harbour any anger towards her. How could I?  She was taught that what we were doing was wrong, that people like her parents might not love her if she went through with it, and that the right thing was to be with him. When I think of that night now, I just feel awful for us both.

The point in all of this is that we didn’t have the chance to find out what might have been. We didn’t get to have a relationship you have when you are 19, when everything is amazing and full of energy and excitement, and then crashes and burns. Every time someone like Tim Cook comes out, and comes out in such a public way especially, we get closer and closer to a world where people like Alexandra aren’t filled with fear, or self-hatred, and can safely experience love with the people they want to. And that will be a beautiful thing.

*name has been changed to protect the innocent

Renee Zellweareawfulger

I was never a big fan of Renee Zellweger, except literally as I’m quite fat. I didn’t like the Bridget Jones movies at all; watching a really mean Colin Firth gradually come to love Bridget because I don’t know, she drops things? wasn’t really my idea of a classic. But she was fine-to-good-to-great in the role, depending on whom you asked, as she also was in cult classic Empire Records, and hit movies Jerry Maguire and Chicago. Even though I never warmed to her completely, when I was going through her IMDB page I realised I had still seen almost every movie she made from 1995 to 2006.  She was a bona fide movie star for a solid ten years, but hasn’t really been in anything since 2009. And so if you had told me in 2009 that in 2014 I would spend a lot of time on a social media platform arguing with strangers about Renee Zellweger, and I was the one defending her, I would have been ‘Blind Sided’ and called you an ‘Inglorious Basterd’, both movies from 2009 thank you I am very clever. But alas, it was to be.

This all came about because Renee dared to appear in public at a Hollywood event looking different than the person we’d (analysed and snarked about and criticised for her fluctuating weight gains and different looks during the filming of the Bridget Jones movies 10 years ago) loved back then. It is apparent that she has had some amount of plastic surgery done, and she does indeed look different. That is true, congratulations to all the Sherlock Holmes out there with the ability to differentiate between two photos of a person separated by a decade. I am not denying that she had work done, and probably extensive work. I am not denying that she looks different. What I take issue with is the hundreds of (mostly unfunny) jokes I read through in my twitter feed dedicated to making fun of her for it. Or the tweets insulting her for going too far. Or the ones for calling her gross. To me, this is kicking in the wrong direction. Renee Zellweger was a very successful young actress, and she is now still only 45 years old. If you look at her face and the first thing you feel isn’t overwhelming anger at the pressure our society puts on women to stay looking young, and beautiful BUT FOR THE LOVE OF FUCKING GOD STILL LOOK NATURAL OR YOU ARE WORTHLESS, then you and I are very different.

That pressure exists and is damaging enough for women who are not in the entertainment industry. It is unimaginable within that sphere. All you need to do is to take a quick look at how leading men are allowed to age with no repercussion, to see what is different for women. All you need to do is to see how those leading men age into their 50s and 60s still playing sexy leading men, while their romantic on-screen partners stay 25 and 30 years old, to understand what is unfair here. Have a look to see how many great parts are written for older women. Have a look to see what age actresses are when they stop being cast as the love interest, and start being cast as the mother of actors younger than them in real life. Think about the value we place on women, and how easily discarded and replaced they are, once their skin starts to sag in a way we find unpalatable. Then think about all those reactions to Renee Zellweger’s face you saw.

We demand that women look a certain way, and we discard them like garbage when they stop. We demand they stay the same, and then we judge them for choosing to use plastic surgery. We comment if they look fat, if they look thin, if they look old, if they look like they've had work done. When women try everything in their power to hold onto those brief moments where society found them appealing enough to look at on a screen, when they try to stay looking the same because they know we will discard them as soon as they are out of date, we turn on them then, as well. Women can’t fucking win, because we won’t let them. 

 And I’ll keep arguing with you on twitter or any other format about this forever.